Pain

Wow. You know the feeling deep in the pit of your heart that you get when you are truely in emotional pain? The feeling that your heart is trying to bleed itself dry one heartbeat at a time. The vaugely nauseous feeling that you get knowing that even though you did nothing to bring this pain on, there is also no way you can change it.

Normally when I am in emotional pain, I take comfort in reading the bible. I take comfort in relaxing, or even in cleaning and staying busy. As a last resort, I will sometimes take comfort in food, though not nearly as often now as I did on Zoloft. Tonight, I ate from the time Adam came home for lunch to the time I left the apartment for the computer lab. I left the apartment so that I wouldn't be within arms reach of alcohol because this is the closest I've ever come to wanting to go on a drinking binge. That's right. I said it. Tonight I was in enough pain that I wanted to get plastered. Well, it was either that or carve my heart out with a spork. I was just going with the less messy of the two.

Now, before any of you start freaking out. I am not going to cause myself bodily harm. I am not getting drunk. I am not going to go home and binge on nacho cheese dorito chips. (The last one mainly because Adam would come home and have a cow because they are his chips.) Yes, I am in emotionaly pain. Yes, this pain was a surprize. I'll deal. I'll make it through. I always do. I always will.

Music: Brad Paisley ft. Allison Crauss - Whiskey Lullaby
Mood: Grieving