"A Small Measure of Peace"

And so I find myself filled to the brim emotionally. There is a part of me that wants to just say, 'Screw all of this. Being happy can't be nearly that important. I'm joining the Air Force and hopefully they will ship me overseas somewhere.'

Now, I know that it wouldn't make me happy to be shipped overseas. I know that I love all my friends and wouldn't want to cut all ties with them. However, I feel so exhausted right now that I think that surely keeping my life in order isn't worth feeling like this.

I found myself wishing today that I could be talented. In essence, being multi-talented means being "above average" at several things. However, when compared in any single talent to someone truely gifted in it, you end up being honestly mediocre. I find myself wondering if I am actually gifted, or only multi-talented. Many times, I stand in awe of others. Girls whose voices ring as clear as a bell on a cold morning. Writers whose handiwork makes me weep at the beauty of it. Speakers whose voices and words weave together an enthralling visage that leaves the audience captivated. I can only wonder how I came to understand and accept that I will always be second best.

I am, by no means, bitter about this. I only wish that I could have some awe inspiring talent that God could use through me to reach others. I have found myself praying these words on an almost daily basis.

"Lord, use me. Use my talents, gifts, and flaws to reach others. Let me be a beacon of your love and light. Let others see through me your grace, your forgiveness, and your beauty. I want so much to be a good daughter to you. Please touch other peoples lives through me."

Even writing it brings tears to my eyes. This is how badly I want God to work through my life. This is how important it is to me that I have God as the major part of my life.

Music: Hans Zimmer - A Small Measure of Peace
Mood: Numb