Confusion?
I miss Ahmad. I need his advice and his smiles. He amazes me all the time. Ahmad is always willing to take time out of his day and life to talk to me about things that are of no importance to him. I value this greatly because it makes me feel like someone actually gives a damn about whatever is bothering me. I know he care about me with no alterior motives, and is always willing to lend me an ear. I could really use that right now, but I know he's got work and school. I can so understand that!
I am confused, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing my friendship with one friend, and suprizingly, friendship is all I want from him right now. I am more confused by a different friend of mine though. He plagues my mind, and makes me smile while he slowly continues to break my heart. I am by no means in love with him, but he's become special to me. Slowly over almost a year of knowing him, he's found a way to break past so many barriers I've put up to protect myself. He makes me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. In a way that makes me want to let him into my life farther, and personally... that scares the hell out of me.
"You've got to take your mind off him
But not with aspirins
You won't
You won't let your family in...
When you don't know what you want
You end up finding that you haunt your own,
Your own life."
This song has so much meaning for me right now. I try so hard to hold onto the past, and what I want for my future. I feel like I'm changing so fast, too fast. I can almost feel myself growing into the woman I've wanted to be, but leaving the girl I was finally starting to love behind. I've found a future job I want and will actually enjoy. I am happy with what I'm majoring in. I'm school hunting. I'm... happy. Did I really ever think I would be? I've spent so long feeling older than I am, like I had too many responsibilities and not enough resources. Now, I'm beginning to feel like I have the right resources, and I feel like I'm allowed to enjoy life. What brought this on? No idea. I will just try to take life as it comes at me.
Music: Evanescence - My Immortal
Mood: Contemplative
I am confused, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing my friendship with one friend, and suprizingly, friendship is all I want from him right now. I am more confused by a different friend of mine though. He plagues my mind, and makes me smile while he slowly continues to break my heart. I am by no means in love with him, but he's become special to me. Slowly over almost a year of knowing him, he's found a way to break past so many barriers I've put up to protect myself. He makes me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. In a way that makes me want to let him into my life farther, and personally... that scares the hell out of me.
"You've got to take your mind off him
But not with aspirins
You won't
You won't let your family in...
When you don't know what you want
You end up finding that you haunt your own,
Your own life."
This song has so much meaning for me right now. I try so hard to hold onto the past, and what I want for my future. I feel like I'm changing so fast, too fast. I can almost feel myself growing into the woman I've wanted to be, but leaving the girl I was finally starting to love behind. I've found a future job I want and will actually enjoy. I am happy with what I'm majoring in. I'm school hunting. I'm... happy. Did I really ever think I would be? I've spent so long feeling older than I am, like I had too many responsibilities and not enough resources. Now, I'm beginning to feel like I have the right resources, and I feel like I'm allowed to enjoy life. What brought this on? No idea. I will just try to take life as it comes at me.
Music: Evanescence - My Immortal
Mood: Contemplative
posted by Meredith @ 8:08 PM
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