Back to the Beginning
My dosage of Paxil was doubled yesterday, and I am already starting to go through the side effects again. I slept about 12 hours today (5 am to 5 pm) and spent alot of time last night feeling like I was going to throw up. I also spent most of last night feeling slightly foggy and restless. This all happened when I was first put on Paxil, so I guess it's only natural that I'm going through it now that my dosage has been upped.
I uninstalled Final Fantasy to see if that was what has been causing the problems I've been having. However, now that it's uninstalled, I can't get my ethernet card to read the fact that it has an internet connection. This might mean that Adam has to install the ethernet card from the old computer into the new one. This is a bad thing because it means sixty more dollars we'll have to spend when it comes time to upgrade the old computer (so that it can be online).
Tonight I'm having dinner with Lee, my best friend. I'm happy to get to see him again, but worried that he won't understand the emotional problems I've having right now. I tried to explain it to him a couple of weeks ago, and he said he understood. However, he doesn't seem to get the connection between me being depressed and wanting to spend most of my time by myself. When I was 15 and depressed, I spent almost all of my time by myself. It's not that I'm 'going through all this alone', but more that I'm the one who has to understand and deal with my problems. I can't do that with other people around. It's not that I don't trust them or love them, it's that I put on a smile and try to act happy and normal when I'm around others. Smiling and acting happy when I'm depressed does two things to me. One, after about an hour I feel supremely drained and emotionally dead. Afterwards, I want several hours by myself. Two, it takes up my time to think. I'm sorry, it's not my fault I feel compelled to pay attention to my friends when I'm around them. I just think it's common curtesy. I love Lee to death, I hope he understands that. It isn't his fault I don't want to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain that I am trying to correct. Hell, if I was traveling to a Tibetan Monistary (which has been suggested to me as a time to set things right and help myself), Lee wouldn't see or talk to me for several months. At least I'm seeking help. I'm trying to get to that place emotionally where I feel "okay". Many people don't.
Music: The Last Samurai Soundtrack
Mood: Confused
I uninstalled Final Fantasy to see if that was what has been causing the problems I've been having. However, now that it's uninstalled, I can't get my ethernet card to read the fact that it has an internet connection. This might mean that Adam has to install the ethernet card from the old computer into the new one. This is a bad thing because it means sixty more dollars we'll have to spend when it comes time to upgrade the old computer (so that it can be online).
Tonight I'm having dinner with Lee, my best friend. I'm happy to get to see him again, but worried that he won't understand the emotional problems I've having right now. I tried to explain it to him a couple of weeks ago, and he said he understood. However, he doesn't seem to get the connection between me being depressed and wanting to spend most of my time by myself. When I was 15 and depressed, I spent almost all of my time by myself. It's not that I'm 'going through all this alone', but more that I'm the one who has to understand and deal with my problems. I can't do that with other people around. It's not that I don't trust them or love them, it's that I put on a smile and try to act happy and normal when I'm around others. Smiling and acting happy when I'm depressed does two things to me. One, after about an hour I feel supremely drained and emotionally dead. Afterwards, I want several hours by myself. Two, it takes up my time to think. I'm sorry, it's not my fault I feel compelled to pay attention to my friends when I'm around them. I just think it's common curtesy. I love Lee to death, I hope he understands that. It isn't his fault I don't want to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain that I am trying to correct. Hell, if I was traveling to a Tibetan Monistary (which has been suggested to me as a time to set things right and help myself), Lee wouldn't see or talk to me for several months. At least I'm seeking help. I'm trying to get to that place emotionally where I feel "okay". Many people don't.
Music: The Last Samurai Soundtrack
Mood: Confused
posted by Meredith @ 6:03 PM
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