Happy Birthday Boys!

A very happy birthday to Adam, Jason, and Mike. The turned 26, 18, and 21 (respectively) yesterday.

This weekend was one of the best I've had in a while. Mostly because it gave me some much needed time to think, and I've gotten my sleep schedule fixed. Saturday I went to Karen and Tony's house (Adam's mother and step-father). We had st Heak and potatoes and cake, then we watched 'Windtalkers'. Yesterday, we went to Adam's father's place out in Clay county (technically Hollins, Alabama). We watched the Indy 500 until we needed to leave for the Memorial Weekend Bar-B-Que. The BBQ was a blast. We ate ribs, talked alot, and watched the kids play slip-n-slide on the lawn. It was hilarious.

Adam and I saw 'The Longest Yard' last night. It was actually pretty entertaining. There were points when I was irked by the lack of story/plot/writing, but overall I still enjoyed it.

Today, I'm going to be cleaning out my truck and cleaning up in the apartment. I'm really excited about getting my life back in order. Not only am I excied, but I'm motivated to do it.

Music: Hans Zimmer - Ronin

Long Time Coming

Well, this blog post has been a long time coming. I haven't really been giving updates of my daily doings for the last two weeks. I've been kind of spacey lately, only tuned into my life about half the time. Mostly I blame this on a seriously messed up sleep schedule. I was sleeping about three hours in the early morning and then taking a four hour nap in the early evening. My life seriously blurred together over the last week. I didn't even know what day of the week it was most of the time. Last night, however, I think I finally managed to get myself together. I slept for seven and a half hours in one stretch at a semi-normal time. I feel more lucid and a good deal more like myself.

For the most part, my fight with my friend is resolved. I'm glad things are striving towards a more healthy medium in my life, and in his.

Tonight, Lee and I are going to hang out again and talk. I am starting to seriously look forward to this weekly occurance, and I take that as a good sign as far as my depression is concerned.

In other news, my truck is now registered in the state of Alabama. Adam has a new license. Tokyo has taken to chasing bugs as her newest entertainment. I think someone tried to break into my apartment, because my window's screen is all pried out. And last, but not least, my computer is having problems with Final Fantasy XI, and tech support has been little help so far.

Music: None
Mood: Decently Okay

Burn the Pain Away

After a draining fight with a close friend, I took a shower to give myself time to think. The scalding water did nothing to burn the pain away, and no matter how hard I scrubbed I still can't wash away the things I said tonight. I know he'll forgive me (he always does), but for the first time I don't want forgiveness. I want this whole sick painful cycle to stop. That is it. The only thing I want on this earth right now is to stop fighting with my friend. However, the water couldn't take away the words he heard tonight, or the lingering feeling of self-disgust. I'm just left with my own thoughts and pain.

Music: None
Mood: Dark

Back to the Beginning

My dosage of Paxil was doubled yesterday, and I am already starting to go through the side effects again. I slept about 12 hours today (5 am to 5 pm) and spent alot of time last night feeling like I was going to throw up. I also spent most of last night feeling slightly foggy and restless. This all happened when I was first put on Paxil, so I guess it's only natural that I'm going through it now that my dosage has been upped.

I uninstalled Final Fantasy to see if that was what has been causing the problems I've been having. However, now that it's uninstalled, I can't get my ethernet card to read the fact that it has an internet connection. This might mean that Adam has to install the ethernet card from the old computer into the new one. This is a bad thing because it means sixty more dollars we'll have to spend when it comes time to upgrade the old computer (so that it can be online).

Tonight I'm having dinner with Lee, my best friend. I'm happy to get to see him again, but worried that he won't understand the emotional problems I've having right now. I tried to explain it to him a couple of weeks ago, and he said he understood. However, he doesn't seem to get the connection between me being depressed and wanting to spend most of my time by myself. When I was 15 and depressed, I spent almost all of my time by myself. It's not that I'm 'going through all this alone', but more that I'm the one who has to understand and deal with my problems. I can't do that with other people around. It's not that I don't trust them or love them, it's that I put on a smile and try to act happy and normal when I'm around others. Smiling and acting happy when I'm depressed does two things to me. One, after about an hour I feel supremely drained and emotionally dead. Afterwards, I want several hours by myself. Two, it takes up my time to think. I'm sorry, it's not my fault I feel compelled to pay attention to my friends when I'm around them. I just think it's common curtesy. I love Lee to death, I hope he understands that. It isn't his fault I don't want to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain that I am trying to correct. Hell, if I was traveling to a Tibetan Monistary (which has been suggested to me as a time to set things right and help myself), Lee wouldn't see or talk to me for several months. At least I'm seeking help. I'm trying to get to that place emotionally where I feel "okay". Many people don't.

Music: The Last Samurai Soundtrack
Mood: Confused

Round and Round

Everyone seems worried about me. And as far as I can tell, they are worried with good reason.

Crying bouts, snapping at people, more crying bouts, comfort eating, and servere mood swings are just a few of the things I've been dealing with. I know this isn't how I have to live. I know this isn't normal for me. I am seeing my doctor on Friday, so hopefully I can try to get things sorted out then.

Today I was very ill. I signed on for about 20 minutes mid-afternoon, talked to Lee and Jason for a couple of minutes before I got so tired and weak and neaseus that I signed off an immediately took a nap. Apparently, I signed off right as my friend Ahmad was signing on. When I later came back onto AIM, it was to put up an away message until I tried to set up TeamSpeak. As I was setting up TS, I got like 6 IM's at once, so I went invisible while trying to set up my stupid microphone (which was being evil). Again, I missed Ahmad simply because I didn't take the time to look at my buddy list. I feel bad because Ahmad thought I was avoiding him. I mean, looking back, I can definately see how he got that impression, but I adore Ahmad. I'd never avoid him. Well, I can't say never, that's unrealistic. I would never avoid Ahmad as long as he continues to respect me and shows the care and concern that he currently does for our friendship. I feel horrible though for giving him that impression, because even though that was not my intent, it does not take away the hurt I caused him while he thought that. We hurt the ones we love with our own selfish ways I guess.

Music: The Last Samurai Soundtrack
Mood: Decent For This Time In The Morning

Lifting the Fog

I think I might be seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I know I'm not there yet, but for the first time since Thursday, I've been able to laugh, and smile, and... breathe.

Tonight, I went and bought groceries. Good food and stuff for me to eat. I also made a new friend on Final Fantasy tonight! Her name is Alvena, and she plays a cute Taru White Mage. She's about a level and a half behind me, but that's okay. We had tons of fun tonight, running up and down the river killing everything we could find and healing each other when the other was fighting. I helped her kill her first Goblin Fisher! She did the Taru Dance (which makes me laugh). I'll take screen capture of her on Tuesday night so that yall can see what a Taru looks like. All in all, it was meeting someone else who was in sort of the same situation I was in (even if it was just the game situation and not the same life situation) that kinda helped me feel... not so alone. She's been having trouble leveling because she's a white mage, and they are healers. They aren't meant to fight stuff, they are meant to heal other people. So I will help her level by hurting stuff, while she helps keep me alive through the fight by healing me. (Basic Group Playing 101 for you non-gamers) She and I are going to Giddeus on Tuesday night so that I can finish my mission thingy for Rank 2 in Windurst (it's a Final Fantasy thing that deals with my fame level).

Tokyo is still doing that weird thing where she covers my laptop adapter with her entire body. I know it's warm, but... it's still weird.

Adam and I are going to eat dinner with his mom tomorrow night. Since he had to work today (on Mother's Day), he's taking his mom, his step-dad, and me all out to dinner. He's buying her flowers and paying for dinner (his mom and step-dad usually take us out when we all get together). I kind of wish I could have seen my mother today. I know that she and I have our problems, but I still love her, and she's still my mom. I called her and wished her a 'happy mother's day'. She was watching that made for TV Elvis Presley movie, so she only talked for a few minutes during commercials. I'm glad that she knows I love her and I'm thinking of her though.

Music: I don't know what the songs name is... But it's Euro-Techno music
Mood: Not Completely Horrible

No More Poetry

I had an episode last night. I prayed for my pain to end. I prayed for everything to end.

I cannot wait for my Paxil dosage to be upped. No one should have to feel like I did last night. It was like a switch had been flipped in my brain, and nothing mattered but the hurt that weighed down on my chest suffocating me.

I felt so alone last night as well. By my own doing of course, I pushed the one friend who would speak to me away and none of my other friends were there. I know he's forgiven me, and for that I'm thankful.

In other news, I'm 'disappointed in' one of my friends for being a selfish [insert mean male-gender type word here]. I hate being told one thing, and then having the person do another. If you want to tell me you'll do something because you think it'll make me feel better, that's fine, just make sure you do it! I have this whole 'trust issue' thing with lying. And when you say you'll talk to me on a certain day, or that you'll do something for me (so I don't have to) and then don't... that makes it a lie. Now, I know I can't hold people to this standard all the time. You have to have some leeway because things happen, things pop up. However, when it happens for like 4 nights in a row... you start losing your 'grace period' with me.

And now, I'm just bitching about this. *sigh* But I feel I have a right to bitch, to a certain extent.

Music: City of Heroes in the background
Mood: Still Depressed

Feelings

I feel sick and a bit depressed. Stuck at home, and feeling down, here I am feeling like a heel because I haven't bought groceries and cleaned on the apartment more.

In many ways I just feell like I'm living in this day-to-day fog. All the days seem to blur together. Adam has tonight and tomorrow to work before being off for two days. I'm feeling really spacey right now. Must be having a bad day with my ADD. My brain keeps wandering from subject to subject. Mom and I "discussed" finances today. Which is code for, Mom talked about finances and expected me to listen.

I may take the night off from FFXI. I want to get some cleaning done on my room and such. Though, I did promise Jason that we'd play our white mage/monk duo, so I won't take the night 'completely off'.

Music: Etta James - Rain or Shine
Mood: Neutral and Unmotivated

Final Fantasy XI

I thought I would post, since there isn't much going on with me, about my characters in Final Fantasy.

On Titan server, my character is Liadan. She is a sweet, but somewhat straight-laced Hume Red Mage. This is her in her Mog House. Right now, she spends alot of time fighting crawlers trying to obtain silk thread (since they're the monsters that drop it), so that she can afford to buy herself armor and equipment.


On Pandemonium server, my character is Keirra. She is a spunky, fun, and somewhat reckless Mithra Black Mage. She, along with her protector Umatsu, roam in East Ronfaure killing things and trying to build her skills as a mage. Unfortunately, with mages, there is alot of down time and healing.

Good Morning

Yes, I am actually awake at 6:20 in the morning, and it's because I just woke up! Goodness, I hope this isn't a trent, this sleeping at night thing.

I think I may talk Adam into letting me go to McDonald's for breakfast soon. I like their breakfast food.

Other than this, I have no news. I am enjoying my story with Jason, and hopefully we will get farther in it this week. I will hopefully get to play Final Fantasy again. I have started my journal of Keirra (my favorite character). Hopefully, she will get to journey with Umatsu, the Elvaan man who has protected her on several occasions, soon.

Music: None
Mood: Pretty Okay

Moments of Clarity

While I battled a migraine for the better part of tonight, I was given a few moments of clarity. I have been wasting my time so far. Not really doing much to search for a job, I haven't been cleaning and organizing my life either. For a few moments, I saw the woman I want to be, and I saw the means to reach that goal.

I will begin pursuing this whole heartedly. With God in my heart, I do not fear falling short. I finally understand that it is not about being that 'super woman' everyday, but striving to do your best at each thing you do. When you try your best, even if you fail, you can still say you tried. I have found a sense of peace I did not know I was lacking.

Music: Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
Mood: Pretty Damn Great