Happy Holidays

Late At Night

Or maybe this is early in the morning. I'm tired, so if alot of this post doesn't make sense... forgive me.

I hope Ahmad has a wonderous birthday. He is such a great friend that I am blessed to have in my life. I'm only 2 months behind, you hear?! *plots how to spend her 21st birthday*

I want to remember having alot more that I wanted to post, but it escapes me now. The only thing I'm concerned with is crawling into my soft warm fluffy bed.

Music: None
Mood: Tired

Posts from the University

My internet is unreliable right now, so it may be a few days between times I am able to get online. So, expect more audio posts than usual for a while. In January, when school is back in session, I know I'll be online every week-day at the very least. I'll probably also find excuses to get online at the University of Alabama on occasion.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I resigned at the Transmatrix as both a Moderator and a Protectobot. I know it was the right decision, even if it was a hard one for me to make. That's all I feel needs to be said about it.

The thing that means the most to me that I brought back from New Mexico is a 14 karat gold ring that was Poppy's. It is a simple gold band with a little bit of etching on it. It is beautiful, and I wear it everyday now on my left thumb. Though things won't replace or bring back Poppy, wearing this gives me a small sense of comfort.

I've already got my schedule for next semester. I'll post it eventually.

I spent the afternoon at work today. When I got off from work, I had to immediatly leave and take Adam to work. While I was at Wal-mart, I went ahead and put a little gas in the car, bought some organizational stuff, bug spray, and clothes detergent. Wow, I am so responsible... When did that happen? I used to spend my paycheck on fun stuff, like books, or toys, or DVDs, or heck... even food! But now I'm buying sets of drawers and I'm exstatic about it. Well, I guess when you want to change who you are, you begin living as the person you wish to become, not the person you've been.

Music: Evanescence - Tourniquet
Mood: Tranquil

Home Again

Well, I am back home after a long hard week. I have alot of things to do, and people to call, but that can wait until later.

I am a bit shocked by an IM I got recently...

Juto23: Mery I'm sorry but I can't talk to you anymore it is makeing Kim my fiance very upset.
CodenameSiren: oh, okay
CodenameSiren: i understand
Juto23: thank you

Now, I totally understand that kind of thing, but it always hurts to know that someone (in this instance Kim) doesn't trust me. I know that she doesn't know me except through what John (Juto23) has told her, but it still hurts that she apparently thinks I would try to steal her man away. Now, I know John through work. He's mall security at the mall my arcade is in. He occasionally comes in and talks to me for a bit when he's making his rounds. But he also talks to every other arcade employee when he's at work, so I'm not special, I just work there.

Oh well, I can't control what other people think of me. I can only control what I do and say, and how I treat other people. I think I'll go make a grocery list now. I need to buy more groceries.

Music: Dave Matthews - Gravedigger
Mood: Normal, but a touch hurt

From the Car

Romney

My grandfather died early Thrusday afternoon. I love him and miss him. I am flying to Houston in about five hours, and will then drive to New Mexico with my family for the funeral. It is a hard time for my entire family. Please keep us in your prayers.

In a way, I am happy to see Poppy (my Grandfather, Romney) off from this world. He is with my Grandmother (MaaMaw, Penny) now. Poppy has spent the last, well, as long as I can remember, on oxygen. He developed diabetes before I was born, and smoked until the day MaaMaw died of cancer when I was five. His health has been declining for several years now, and we knew that time was growing short. I am lucky I got to see him in 2002 after I graduated high school. He is in a far better place. I am not angry that he is gone, but that does not mean I hurt any less. I know that the pain will pass and I will feel whole again. In a way, I think God knew how he was suffering here on Earth with failing health and missing Penny these past fifteen years. He never quite got over her. She was his true love. I will wear yellow roses in my hair on my wedding day in honor of them both. They were MaaMaw's favorite flowers, and they are mine as well.

Now I am in tears and can no longer see the screen. Know that I only feel the pain, because I feel the love as well.

Music: Evanescence - Hello
Mood: Grieving

Friend

Well, the idea of me being on a schedule by the end of this week has been shot to hell. I woke up at three this afternoon, and will probably not be getting up until around one tomorrow afternoon. And the only reason I'm getting up that early is because I have work tomorrow at two. I need to get back into a normal sleep schedule. I miss sleeping like a normal person.

It may have to wait until I am forced awake at an early hour. Like in the chance that I have an early doctor's appointment, or school, or some other such activity where I can't just come home and sleep more. I'll just spend that day running on caffine, and then go to bed at a normal hour.

I put my body through such hell sometimes.

I feel unrest. One of my friends.... let's call him "Mickey". Mickey confuses me. He's a new friend of mine, but already he is breaking through those walls I have in place to keep myself safe and sane. It's painful actually. It leaves me feeling scared and vulnerable. I feel like he pushes me past emotional limitations I didn't even realize I'd put upon myself. After talking to him, I feel confused. More about myself than him. He's a nice guy, but after we speak, I feel like something important just happened, and I don't know what it is. More often than not, I am the person who controls how much emotional investment I put into a friendship. I feel like I'm not the one in control of that in this friendship. Mickey is just going to have to prove himself trust worthy before I can let him into my life too much more.

Music: Christina Agulera - Beautiful
Mood: Confused, Frightened, and a little Childlike

Standing Still

Standing still for a moment
I chanced to glance to you
And you were there holding my hand
when I didn't know what to do

Standing still for a minute
Indecision on my face
And you were there to support me
always knowing your place

Standing still for an hour
broken but not quite beat
And you were there to hold me
in my hour of certain defeat

Standing still for a lifetime
watching my life pass by
And you were there to encourage me
to give me the strength to try

Music: Hans Zimmer - A Small Measure of Peace
Mood: Thoughful