Lost Child

I need advice, but I don't really feel like I can share the situation I'm going through with anyone. It's personal, and because of that I feel the need to keep it private.

I know that God will never give you more than you can handle. He knows how much you can take, and will give you exactly that amount. Sometimes, I wish God didn't trust me so much. I feel overwhelmed by my life right now.

It isn't often that I feel the need to cry out in prayer. Most of the time, even when I'm stressed, it is a calm questioning or conversation. However, the last couple of days, my prayers have been mostly cries for help from a lost child.

That is how I feel. I feel like a lost child. Not yet mature enough to handle the situation, and not equipped with what I need to fully handle it if I was. I'm pretty sure some very depressing poetry will come out of all this.

"Sono perso. E sono rotto." -- "I am lost. And I am broken."

Music: None
Mood: Broken

Different

I'm in a weird mood. And when I say weird... I mean I've had tons of sugar, my sugar high is wearing off, and I'm now contemplating where lint fits into the grand scheme of things.


Have you ever had a friend that, had circumstances been different, you know the two of you would have most likely been great companions for life? I have a friend like that. And my heart is breaking for him. I consider him very close for someone I have never actually met in person. He is in love with a girl and it's breaking his heart. I wish I could be there to comfort him and take his mind off of her. He is very dear to me. Yet, with the circumstances and the settings life has given he and I, I am perfectly content with it being a plutonic relationship.

Normally, I can be quite fickle, and might not be "okay" with a completely plutonic friendship, but for some reason, I am with him. I don't completely understand it. I don't think I want to either. Part of me is afraid that if I question this good friendship too much, I will destroy what is there. I will find that it was a fragile friendship in the first place, and my questions just put too much weight on the too delicate lace. As if mere questions could rip us apart as friends.

As I said before, I am in a weird mood. I think I'll go think and clean now.

Music: Hans Zimmer - To Know My Enemy
Mood: Contemplative

I Demand Patients and Babies!

Mike misheard something I said on the phone, and my favorite quote of the week was born.

I started on my third cross stitch in as many weeks last night. It's the one with a wolf's head with a dreamcatcher-like border. It's really nice, but much larger than my normal cross stitch size. Hopefully, this will last me longer than a week. In fact, I know it will.

I have to go in to work at 5:00 P.M. tonight. Why do I always get stuck with Saturday nights? You would think that every once in a while I would have a Saturday night off, but alas, I don't. I get every other Friday night off, but no Saturday nights. I've had to rearrange my grocery buying schedule because I used to do that every Saturday at 5:00 P.M. Oh well, I should probably get off the computer and start getting ready for work. Maybe I'll get a good bit done on my cross stitch.

Music: The Alabama-Tennessee Football Game
Mood: Content

Stressed

My life seems to swing from one extreme to the other. I am either carefree and happy, or I am so stressed that being a hermit sounds like the only good alternative to dealing with my problems.

I don't really feel like rehashing it all right now, but a quick overview seems in order. My apartment is a mess and will take about three full days of non-stop cleaning to fix. I have to work for the next two days, but I have Sunday off. I won't even touch my personal life at the moment because... well, let's just leave that be. Several of my friends need good sound beatings with my beating stick. And last, but not least, I am sick. Again.

yeah, that about covers my life right now. They say that laughter is the best medicine, so hopefully, I will spend a good portion of tonight laughing for one reason or another.

Tonight, Skye is picking me up from work. That means that most likely, I won't get home til around 10:45 P.M. because Skye seems to have this uncanny knack for not getting me home from work til around 2 hours after I leave work. Don't ask me how he manages it, because I still can't figure that out.

Music: None
Mood: Stressed

Feeling Better

I feel like a Sheik's favorite harem girl. My skin has a soft, silken feel, and I am surrounded by the hint of perfumed oils. My wet, uncombed hair caresses my cheeks as it falls loose around my shoulders. My pajamas whisper against my skin at the slightest movement on my part. I feel beautiful, soft, and ethereal.

It is a rare thing that I feel like an Earth-bound goddess. I believe, of course, that every woman should be so lucky as to feel this way every so often, but that does not mean that I personally feel it as often as others. I should soak in bath oils and read a book more often.


Music: Usher feating Ludacris and Lil' John - Yeah
Mood: Feeling Better

Un-Wonky

I demand to feel Un-Wonky!

Yup, I still feel wonky, and I am hating it. My throat also hurts, so I'm praying that I'm not getting sick. Mostly because working seven hours straight at an arcade while sick would suck.

Other than that... My life is being pretty normal right now. I'm poor, like always, but I get paid tomorrow. So for a brief hour or so, I will be 'not so poor', but then I will be back to being poor once again.

I am made happy sometimes by the simplist things. Right now, I am wearing a ring that is way too small for my finger that says "Love" on it, but the 'O' is a purple rock meant to look like an amythist, which is my birthstone. It's one of the cheap prizes from work, but it makes me happy.


Music: Evanescence - Hello
Mood: Stressed

Wonky

Ever have one of those days where you would just love to beat your head against a brick wall in the hopes that it would make your life normal again?

I'm having one of those days today.

Work is evil. My friends are annoying me (except the ones that aren't). My apartment needs to be cleaned. I am just very, very stressed.

I welcome conversations like the ones I have with Mike where he just tells me about how happy "Situation X" is making him. However, Mike isn't online right now. I figure that most likely he's at his parents house, and just isn't able to be online right now, but a conversation with Mike would be beneficial to me.

Jer can't talk on the phone right now cause he's at some swimming party hoopla thingy. Which is totally cool. I don't want him to feel tethered to his phone just cause I'm here in Alabama and I want to talk to him. I want him to go out and have fun with his friends. Am I jealous that he's getting to have fun and I'm not there to share in it? Yes, I am a bit. I am mature enough to admit that. But I refuse to childishly ask him not to go out and do fun things just cause I'm three states away from all the people I left behind in Houston.

Jason is making me feel somewhat less stressed. God bless his soul. I'd tackle hug him... but he's not here.

Anyway, I need to be off. More later tonight.

Music: My Cell Phone Ring
Mood: Stressed out of my mind

Weird Eating Habits

I am told that some of my eating habits are "weird". For example, right now, I am eating warm tortillas with melted butter. This is a delicious, if somewhat unhealthy, snack. I recommend it to anyone who, like me, loves tortillas. Another eating quirk I have is the imfamous 'butter sandwich'. A butter sandwich is just what it sounds like it is: two slices of bread with butter in the middle. This is most often eaten with pasta (like spegetti) in place of bread sticks. People often look at me a bit oddly, and then go on with their day. I guess we all have eating habits handed down to us from either parents or friends. I know I inherited my butter sandwich from my Daddy, even though he no longer eats them now that he has diabetes.

My head is hurting again. I don't know why, but it is. I have taken Excedrin in the hopes that it will help, but it hasn't done so yet. I am eating with the thought that I might have a headache from lack of food, but that doesn't seem to be the case either. Hopefully, I will figure out what it is soon. I hate having headaches.

Music: Hans Zimmer - Spectres In The Fog (playing very softly)
Mood: In pain

Busy

I feel so busy all the time now. If I'm not at work or school, I'm talking to someone on the phone or on AOL instant messenger. I rarely find time to myself to read or cross stitch.

I wish so hard for things that aren't possible right now.

I'm gonna try talking to a friend on the phone again, cause otherwise I'm gonna drive myself batty.


Music: Linkin Park - Easier To Run
Mood: Confused, but alright

Haunted

I feel slightly better today. I am taking all of my problems one step at a time. G-d will see me through everything.

I have written a couple of emails and PMs. I have posted at a couple of my message boards, and looked over through the rest of them.

Ahmad rocks my world right now, by the way. He's pointed me to Dead Aim.


Music: My Dying Bride - A Kiss To Remember
Mood: Blah

Down

Down, down my spiral spins.

That about sums up how I feel right now. I don't really feel like rehashing it all right now, because I'll just work myself up about it. It's not just one thing, but a hundred little things that have just sent my world reeling. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I feel so overwhelmed and alone and scared.

The past three or four days have just worked together to make me wish I could just curl up into a ball on my bed and never leave it. Did you ever wish you could just lay on the couch with your head in your mother's lap and cry while she pets your hair and sings to you? Cause that would seriously do wonders for me right now.

I don't know what else to say. I find no comfort in cross stitching, playing video games, or reading. I find no comfort in music even. I am numb.

Music: None
Mood: Greiving

Added Features

Well, I have to go to work in about an hour and a half. Not that going to work is all that bad, but I'd rather do other things like lounge and do nothing. But alas, I'm not allowed to do that during the week. Guess that is one of the hazards of being busy.

I read a blog post by a friend of mine earlier today, and it left me with a very unpleasant aftertaste in my mouth. I'd even go as far as to say that it pissed me off. Now, I'm not going to go blabbing about his business, but I personally think he's handling his current situation all wrong. I love him bunches, but I don't approve of his tactics. Not that he needs my approval, or is even seeking my approval, but I feel like i have to tell someone how I feel about this since I can't tell him. Damn my niceness.

No one told me love would hurt so much. Sometimes I wonder if someone had told me if I would have taken the same paths that I did. I think that I would have because I often feel like I need to learn things the hard way, rather than taking other people's advice. However, there is a part of me that wonders if I had been informed of this, I might have made a few different choices. Not better or worse, just different.

I have decided to add a feature to my blog posts. Note the music and mood declarations at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

Music: Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip
Mood: Bittersweetly Thoughtful

Stolen from Jer

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find the 4th sentence: In many instances, Police Detectives question informants on their knowledge of a crime or on their information about the personal habits, associates, characteristics, and aliases of crime suspects.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? my character shoes (black heels used mostly in musical theatre)
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Case Closed
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 4:52
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 4:51
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? the air conditioner
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? it was about 15 mins ago, and i was coming home from work
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? On the internet? Jeremy's blog
9. What are you wearing? my work clothes. a red polo shirt, black slacks, and black hose (i took off my work shoes)
10. Did you dream last night? about my dad
11. When did you last laugh? right before adam left for work
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? posters promoting UP events, autographs, an american flag, a dream catcher, a football jersey, and various collected toys
13. Seen anything weird lately? yes. my assistant manager shaking his butt and saying "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard"
14. What do you think of this quiz? it's kinda funny. it's different from all the other quizzes i've taken lately
15. What is the last film you saw? hrmmmm flim? Hero. Movie? Just Married
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? a house in the country
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. i hate pepsi
18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do? give everyone an opportunity to find a decent job
19. Do you like to dance? heck yeah
20. George Bush: umm... that's not a question
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Lily Rowan
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Alexander Leland
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? yes
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? Welcome Home.

Real Good Men

Where have all the "real good men" gone?



Girl, you've never known no one like me
Up there in your high society
They might tell you I'm no good
Girl they just need to understand
Just who I am

I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

I may drink too much and play too loud
Hang out with a rough and rowdy crowd
That don't mean I don't respect
My mama or my Uncle Sam
Yes sir, yes ma'am

I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

Might have a reckless streak
At least a country mile wide
If you're gonna run with me
It's gonna be a wild ride
When it comes to lovin' you
I've got velvet hands

I'll show you how a real bad boy
Can be a real good man

I'll take all the good times I can get
I'm too young for growing up just yet
Ain't much I can promise you
Except to do the best I can
I'll be damned

I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

Real Good Man as performed by Tim McGraw

I'm not asking for a wild man who wears boots and an embellished belt buckle like my Daddy does. I'm not asking for someone who is exactly like me. I just want someone who loves me for me. Some who isn't with me because I'm the only happiness they have, but because their life wouldn't be the same without me. I know that sounds contradictory, but it isn't. There is a difference between the two. I want someone who doesn't have to be with me, but wants to be anyway. I want someone who sees the cute side and the serious side and will make me laugh when I'm crying.

This is directed at someone specific, but I'll ask that they don't post a comment here. You know where I'll find it if you think you need to express something about it. I love you. You are dear to me. You complete my circle.

Calm

There is a calm in my chaos at the moment. I am going about my life rather peacefully. I have friends who love me, a roof over my head, and food to eat. There isn't much more I can ask out of life.

I will have to post the cross stitch that I finished. It's adorable, and now I'm working on a surprise one. It's being sent to Jeremy though, so that's the last ya'll are hearing about it.

I miss going to church. I miss spending time around people that I know share my faith. There is much that is wrong with churches, but that is because they are made up of humans. We are all flawed, and with that knowledge, it makes it easier to understand the flaws in chruches.

Heaven

CodenameSiren: mmmmmmm
CodenameSiren: i've found heaven
CodenameSiren: and it's in the form of peanuts covered in toffee that is then covered in chocolate

Fun, Stolen from Larkin

Copy it, Paste it in my comments section, fill it out.

I ____ Meredith.

Meredith is ____.

If I were alone in a room with Meredith, I would _______.

I think Meredith should_____.

Meredith needs _______.

I want to ____________ Meredith.

Someday Meredith will ___________.

Meredith reminds me of _______.

Without Meredith _______.

Memories of Meredith are _________.

Meredith can be _________.

__________ is how I describe meeting Meredith.

Worst thing about Meredith is _________.

Best thing about Meredith is ________.

I am ________ with Meredith.

Meredith ______ too much

Checking In

Well, here I am stuck at school with nothing to occupy myself. I should probably go and buy groceries or do something else similarly productive.

Last night I had a semi-breakdown. I was shaking and couldn't think straight. I cleaned my apartment until I had to sit down cause my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't pick things up and I was so exhausted I could barely move. I clean when I'm upset.

Adam and I had a blow out over money. Again. I refused to cry though. I've shed enough tears beacuse of Adam, I'm not sheding more.

Well, time to head back to the apartment, pick up my cell phone and run some errands.

Ease the Pain

Sometimes I have to wonder why other people do not seek some way to ease their own pain. They torment themselves with things they cannot change, or things that do not effect them. Do not take this to mean that I think people should not empathize with each other. I would be the last to say that. I mean with things like politics or religion. Religion is a very personal ideal in my opinion. It is not my place to try to sway others who hold different beliefs. If they wish to hear about my beliefs, and they in turn decide that is what they believe as well, then I am happy to have helped. I will not force others to my way of thinking simply because I believe myself to be right.

The same goes for politics. I consider myself neither a Republican nor a Democrat. I listen to all sides of an issues before making my own decision about it. Sometimes that decision is based on what I think will benefit more people than what will necessarily benefit myself. Would I like to see property taxes raised in Alabama? No, of course not. Will I vote to raise them so that our school systems' funding is no longer based on our counties' sales tax? Hell yes. I will vote for Bush in the coming Presidential election, not because I like him, or because I think he makes a wonderful President. I have been very unhappy with some of his Presidential decisions. I will vote for him because I hate John Kerry and his politics with a passion unrivaled. That, and in my own opinion, Ralph Nader is a puppet. I will vote to keep the evil I know, rather than chance an evil I don't. I refuse to vote for a politician who has flip-flopped on every single issue, and therefore, I don't know where he stands for sure on any issue. I will not vote for a man who asks the American public to look, not at his twenty something years of service in the Senate, but at his three months spent at war decades ago. I am working myself up over something I feel passionate about. I'll stop typing about this now, so as not to alienate the friends I have who feel differently about this.

Back to easing pain. I find myself soothed by bellydancing. I long to take time to drive to Snow Hinton Park and jog. I beg myself to find time to practice tai chi. I always seem to find the most comfort when I am doing something physically. When the extent of my emotional exhaustion is matched by that of my body, I find some form of solace. I used to find this kind of peace in meditation. Time changes us all, I guess.

The confusion and fog are starting to lift from me. I am happily starting to sort my life out peice by piece. The confusion and chaos of the past couple of months will hopefully be completely sorted out by December. That way, I can start school anew in January. I can find the balance that I felt just months ago. I can be at peace again.

I have a doctor's appointment in five and a half hours, so I think it may be time to head to bed. I scheduled it early in the day so that I wouldn't miss any classes. There is no new news on Mr. Skelton.

At Skye's

I'm typing this post from Skye's house on his laptop. I was supposed to go home after work and clean. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today around noon, I got a call from Adam. Mr. Skelton, a very close family friend of ours, is ... well, we don't know. Mrs. Skelton is worried enough about him to call both of her sons home to their house in rural Alabama. He retired suddenly this past week and I've been told there are other instances, but I haven't been told exactly what they are. This has all been very hush-hush. Which makes me think that Mr. Skelton may be going through some kind of nervous break down. In fact, when I talked to Adam at nine, I was told Mr. Skelton had been admitted to the hospital.

Adam agreed to pick up Jason (the Skelton's son) at the airport in Birmingham tonight from his flight in from Nevada. Well, he had to leave before I got off from work. The problem is that I left my keys in the apartment. So I'm stuck at Skye's (because he's a sweetheart and picked me up from work) until one in the morning most likely.

I was supposed to clean on the apartment until Adam got home with Jason, because Jason was most likely going to be staying with us. Now that Jason's dad is in the hospital, that may not be the case.

I don't mean to belittle the problems of others, but this has been really stressful on me and has instigated a few fights between Adam and I just in the past day alone.

It's Official

Yup, it's official. I'm going crazy. I don't really have time to explain other than to say I love every one of my friends who is there for me to complain to or destress at or just hug, and that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I may be away for a few days. I will try to type a post later tonight explaining where I've gone, but until then, just know I am alright.