Freedom's Chains

Freedom's chains hold me just a little too tight tonight. I don't remember when I started feeling okay with the hold that this life has on me, but I became okay with it a while ago.

I can only pray I find a few minutes to myself tomorrow and hope that I can talk with my friend, Jason. I am so afraid that I hurt him deeply tonight. I love him so much, and I only want him to be happy. He says he knows that. However, we keep fighting about the same thing. Over and over again we have this fight, usually initiated by me. Almost everytime, our fight ends with him saying he understands my point and me telling him that I love him and really hope he does. But, if he does understand me... why do we keep having this fight?? You would think that I would just let this go and quit fighting with him, BUT I CAN'T. He remains unhappy about this thing we fight about, and usually the fight is me trying to persuade him to understand that until he resigns himself to at least tolerating this thing then he will continue to be unhappy. God, I love him so much, and only wish for him to be happy! Why can't I stop fighting with him, and let him be himself. I love him the way he is; he doesn't have to change for me to continue wanting to know him and be a part of his life....

And I just realized that I sound hysterical. In a way, I feel hysterical. I want to cry. I want to laugh out of pure emotion. I want to sleep and not wake up for another week. I feel like fighting with Jason is madness. I fight with him, and willingly hurt a close friend, in order to help him find happiness within himeself. How fucked up does that sound? I feel sick and perverted for being willing to hurt someone I care about, even with the intention of helping them.

Music: Kittie - Do You Think I'm A Whore
Mood: Emotional

Sick and Bitchy

I'm sick. And when I say 'I'm sick', I mean that the only reason I am awake right now is because I was just forced to work for six hours.

I woke up this afternoon knowing today wasn't going to be a good day. I think it was karma since I had such an awesome day yesterday. I drag myself out of bed with a splitting headache, a sore throat, and the urge to empty my stomach of any food I had eaten in the last three weeks. To say it simply, I felt craptastic. I got myself some Sprite and took a dose of Dayquil, a dose of Advil cold and sinus, and a dose of my migraine meds. Then I immediately took a shower in the hopes of not barfing up all the medications. After I got out of the shower, I called work to tell them I couldn't come in. When I talked to Kenny, the idea of staying home all went down the drains. Gordon didn't show up today. Kenny came in at 10:30 this morning, and the arcade was still closed. He opened, and Gordon never showed up and never called. Kenny also couldn't get ahold of Gordon on the phone, nor could I. So I went in to work at 3 this afternoon. Gordon never did call or show up. However, the nice thing about all this is, the schedule got changed today, and I don't work anymore closes this week AND I get Saturday and Sunday off.

They good day I was having yesterday... Adam and I were in that hit and run accident back in November. The court ordered the guy who hit us to pay Adam $2,018 by February 24th. Adam got the money orders for all of the money yesterday in the mail! Adam went and bought a new DVD/VCR combo, so we can now watch all our DVDs and tapes. He also bought 'Shaun of the Dead' and 'The Punisher'. Next Thursday (which I am taking off) Adam and I are going to drive to Columbiana and Montgomery to take care of the fines on his driver's license so that he can apply to the Police Department. I am so happy that he got this money so that he can put the financial parts of his life in order.

I think I'm going to go home and do a little cleaning before I zonk out for the night.

Music: Godhead ft. Marilyn Manson - Break You
Mood: Bitchy

Mer the Brunette

Yup, I went back to my natural hair color. I like it. It's dark, but at the same time kind of highlighty and spunky. Slowly but surely, I will stake claim to "real Mer" and bring her back bit by bit. Before I realize it, I will be the mature responsible adult that I've been hiding inside all along. If you're slightly confused, reference the post before this where I talk about starting to become responsible with my own money. I will be a responsible adult yet!

Music: Beyonce - Naughty Girl
Mood: Happy

Healing

Slowly, I am healing. Spiritually and emotionally, I will be stronger in the end. I have friends who love and care about me. That is what I should focus on.

Allergy season is hitting me hard, and so I am having more than my usual number of headaches. I am down to only passing (and/or being enrolled in) one class. My parents are "cutting me loose" as of the 1st of June. Tomorrow is my only day off from work for the next two weeks. This is me, stressed out of my mind.

I also haven't gotten to talk to Ahmad in what is probably coming close to three weeks. I miss talking to you, Ahmad. I think about and pray for you often. With a heavy heart, I have turned to the one thing that will save me from myself. I've begun writing music again. I will leave an audio post of at least one song sometime in the near future.

On the bright side, even though I am poor, I will start being not-quite-so-poor in the next month. This Tuesday I am finally breaking down and taking care of the cable bill. My cable internet should be back up and running sometime next week. Then, two weeks from this coming Tuesday, I will start my very first savings account! Yay for Mer being self-sufficient and other responsible adult type adjectives!

Music: Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
Mood: Stressed, but Okay

Pain

Wow. You know the feeling deep in the pit of your heart that you get when you are truely in emotional pain? The feeling that your heart is trying to bleed itself dry one heartbeat at a time. The vaugely nauseous feeling that you get knowing that even though you did nothing to bring this pain on, there is also no way you can change it.

Normally when I am in emotional pain, I take comfort in reading the bible. I take comfort in relaxing, or even in cleaning and staying busy. As a last resort, I will sometimes take comfort in food, though not nearly as often now as I did on Zoloft. Tonight, I ate from the time Adam came home for lunch to the time I left the apartment for the computer lab. I left the apartment so that I wouldn't be within arms reach of alcohol because this is the closest I've ever come to wanting to go on a drinking binge. That's right. I said it. Tonight I was in enough pain that I wanted to get plastered. Well, it was either that or carve my heart out with a spork. I was just going with the less messy of the two.

Now, before any of you start freaking out. I am not going to cause myself bodily harm. I am not getting drunk. I am not going to go home and binge on nacho cheese dorito chips. (The last one mainly because Adam would come home and have a cow because they are his chips.) Yes, I am in emotionaly pain. Yes, this pain was a surprize. I'll deal. I'll make it through. I always do. I always will.

Music: Brad Paisley ft. Allison Crauss - Whiskey Lullaby
Mood: Grieving

Something Akin to Love

There are times when I truely loathe myself. I don't mean in the angst ridden teen kind of way. I mean I hate myself in the deep down, 'woman-of-the-night'-is-way-too-nice-for-you kind of way. When did it stop being okay to like myself as I am?

I mean to say... I think I like myself most of the time. I am growing in my spirituality, but not really in my religion. I like it that way really. I perfer to have my focus on God than my focus on dogma taught by a man who consistantly browbeat women (Paul, for those of you not in the know).

With all this self-doubt that I feel deep in my core, should I be allowed to love? Should I be allowed to have friends who care so deeply about me? Part of me says 'yes', though I cannot put my finger on the reason why.

I am looking forward to Friday. I get to hang out with Jack and Trey again. It seems like some weeks it is Friday nights with them that I live for. Nothing more is expected out of me than to just be me and have fun while I hang out. They have really brought something to my life here in Tuscaloosa that my out of town friends couldn't. (Though I still love the rest of you, so don't worry.)

Music: My Dying Bride - Like Gods of the Sun
Mood: Melancholy

Survey

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:

I committed suicide:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me? (Hey, I didn't put it there. o.O)
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

Birthday

Well, my birthday was nice. My parents and grandparents gave me $25 bucks each, so I got another outfit, a book, and groceries. Adam gave me a night on the town and two really cute tops that I got to pick out. And Jason gave me a gorgeous amytheist necklace and earring set.

Adam's night on the town consisted of shopping, a steak dinner (at which I ordered a Mudslide), and a movie. We saw 'The Wedding Date'. I read the book that 'The Wedding Date' is based on. It is called 'Asking for Trouble'. It is a delightful book that made me laugh out loud. The movie, however, made me want to ask for that two hours of my life back. It was indeed that bad.

Other than that, I've had a pretty good birthday week. Well, okay, I failed a Poetry Test. But I hate reading and analyzing poetry. So, other than that, I've had a pretty good birthday week. oh, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Music: Phantom of the Opera - All I Ask of You
Mood: Content

Mustang

My brother got a Mustang. Yup, that's right. I don't have working heat in my truck, and it breaks down every other month. However, my parents felt the need to buy my brother a sports car when he already had a working vehicle.

My mother says she can't afford to support me after May of this year, and if I want a degree I will have to support myself. Why can't she support me? Well, according to her, it's "my brother's turn". I'm sorry, I'm confused. Since when did going to college become a 'turn based' thing. This isn't a roleplaying game, it's higher education. However, unless I want to return home and live there, I will have to make it on my own.

No worries. I have a job. I have my own truck (however POS-like it might be). I will make this work.

Music: HED PE - Swan Dive
Mood: Meh

Shop-a-holic

I admit it. I am a shopping addict. Which is hard to be when I have next to no money to spend on shopping. I usually have to just be content with getting to shop for groceries once a week. When you are desperate for a shopping fix, groceries can be just what the doctor ordered. Today I got to go shopping for a new outfit. My birthday is on Thursday, and so I got to go pick out a cute outfit so that I could look spunky on my birthday. I shopped to my heart's content, or at least to my wallet's. I only spent thirty bucks, and I got designer jeans and a cute little top. I was quite happy with my finds. I will post pictures sometime next week.

Music: Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People
Mood: Elated

Sunday

Sunday again. I love Sundays. I've been sick all this week with the flu, but am quickly getting over it. I've been working, as always, but been missing a few more classes than I should because of my illness. I'm not worried though. I rarely am it seems.

I'm writing again, so I'm a bit happier. I guess it shouldn't come as any kind of surprize that writing is easing some of my stress.

I turn 21 in just 4 days. Adam is taking me out to Birmingham. We are going by Kingdom Comics to pick up comic books. Then we are probably going to have dinner, and then maybe a movie. I'm hoping we go to either Stix or to Chili's. Stix is a Japanese Steak House where they grill your food on the hiabachi in front of you. And Chili's just has awesome chili queso appetizers. I don't know what we'd go see, but it will probably be 'The Wedding Date'. I read the book that it is based on and really enjoyed it.

Other than that..... I have stumbled upon a social life. The past two nights I've hung out with Trey and Jack at the mall (among other people). It's been really nice. I feel like it has been a long time since I've found friends (in person) who like me as I am, and hold no expectations of me to be anyone else. I went and listened to Trey practice with Bo and people. They all sound great, but especially Trey. I found myself riveted by the way he lost himself in the drumming and songs. I miss finding that kind of blissful oblivion in music. I really need to start singing again. Heck, I need to start writing songs again. The first song I ever wrote has always been my favorite.


Sanctuary

Delicately sanctuary
calls out to me
Done with my tears
he washes away my fears
You don't know what it's like to be here

For days I've yearned
I've lived and I've learned
for the one I cannot have
With a heart of passion
a heart of lust
I have no one to turn to
no one to trust

You came into my life
and a secret there you saw
You tried to changed
everything
You thought you were above love's law

Without your guiding light
I cannot set things right

Delicately sanctuary
calls out to me
Done with my fears
He washes away my tears
You can't know what it's like to be here


A sad song to say the least, but still my favorite. But now I think I should go home and enjoy the rest of my night off.

Music: Sister Hazel - Champaign High
Mood: Happy

Meow

Where did all my writing go?

I feel kind of lost with the fact that I haven't really done too much writing over the past couple of weeks. I think my brain is trying to make up for that fact because I have had about fourteen new book ideas over the last two days alone. And that doesn't include the classes I've had ideas for proposing to the Dean of Students office (either here or at the University of Alabama), and the poetry I've been wanting to write.

With my escape gone, does that mean I am stuck in reality? I sure hope not, cause real life is kind of sucky.

I have to go write an in-class essay in about 20 minutes. I don't really care for reading "literary poems", and I like writing about them even less. If it is within my power, when I'm a professor, I won't make my students read poems. However, if I teach freshman english composition, it won't be within my power. I will still have to force a month and a half worth of poetry down my student's throats. May God have mercy on their souls.

To let those of you know, whom I haven't told already, I have finally decided on a major. I've finally decided what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to get my undergraduate degree in English with a minor in Creative Writing. I am going to teach freshman english comp at Shelton State CC while I am in graduate school getting my degree in American Literature. Then I will be an English Professor at (hopefully) the University of Alabama or at Auburn University. On the side, I'll continue to write. I would really like to get a novel published by the time I am 28. I am already in the process of planning out a small Science Fiction novel. I haven't decided wether or not I will publish it on the web yet. Let me know what you all think.

Music: the tap-tap-tap of keyboard keys
Mood: Meh (in a nuetral way)