Thursday

Sometimes I wonder if my school hates it's student and does evil things to us on purpose. The keyboards in the library are too far back, and so I end up with little horizontal lines on my wrists. It looks like I'm suicidal and can't find anything more than a blunt pencil to take my own life with.

Can you tell I'm bored? Mike and The_Fallen (who from here on out will be known as "Jim" because he won't tell me his real name) left me to go to their classes. Brian and Jer are still asleep, and Skye and Jason are in class.

Oh well, I guess that means I'll have to do something productive. Like eat lunch. OoOoOo Lunch sounds good to me.

Random Writings

Some things I've written recently. First is 'Go.' which I wrote today. It really explains how I feel right now. Second is 'A Glimpse of Reality'. It's a character sketch. The thrid peice is 'Love'. This was written for Jamie. I love you hunny. And the last peice was actually inspired by Jason's descriptive essay written for his english class. It inspired me to write a description of Sapphira, one of my RPG characters.

Go.

Never quit
Never stop
Never give up
Keep going
It's one last step
The end is near
And you will rest
But don't stop
Keep moving
People always say
The strong will survive
You are a survivor
You are strong
He couldn't break you
Neither will this
Just keep moving
Don't look back
Just one more step
And then maybe
You'll be okay


A Glimpse of Reality

She was a tortured soul for someone so young. Crimes of the past haunting her present. She had a presence that commanded the attention of many though she didn't consider herself physically attractive. She did her best to hide her intellect and cunning behind a smile and a sweet demeanor. 'Present them a child and they'll think you a child' was her mantra. Tall for a girl, she often added to her height. The heels gave her an unapproachable air. Unusual eyes the colors of turning autumn leaves were hidden behind glasses carefully avoiding the intimacy of looking an equal in the eyes. She wasn't lonely in this ivory tower she'd created for herself. She often found herself laughing, talking, and enjoying her life. Her medium-length red golden hair would glisten in the sun as her laugh drifted through the balmy summer air. The social gaity was a fascade behind which she hid her inner thoughts and ideas. The walls erected around her heart kept her safe, or so she thought. Safe from the pain of losing. Safe from the pain of life. Safe from the joy of loving.

Love

make me smile
make me laugh
I'll just shrug off
love's aftermath

I do not mourn
I do not pray
I do not hope
he'll come back someday

so leave me dear
with the sweet taste
of a friendly kiss
or supportive embrace

for though I love you
and though you dream of me
we are nothing more than friends
and that's all we'll ever be


Sapphira

On the rooftop her small lithe body was crocuhed; the church's steeple at her back Cool black night emcompassed her as if in a mother's embrace. The wind whipped long golden hued locks against her cream colored complexion. She did not move to stop them. Her silvery green eyes were fixed on the ground below. A hunter's gaze following her prey. Her classical beauty had ensnared many of the weak minded. Her smile sent chills through the fearless. She crouched not moving, not breathing, not thinking. A gargoyle among the chapel's rough shingles. The smell of flesh tantilized her sharp senses. Her snowy canines lengthened to a lethal point. Her motions were fluid as she leapt from the roof. For a moment, she hung suspended in air like a bird of prey. Her hair was a lengthy golden sail as she dived and tumbled to land on the ground. A battle of wills ensued as she connected with the solid steps of the church. The ground rested as she stood; the concrete stairs seemed to ripple beneath her commanding steps. The lone priest whimpered in fear as she approached him. She smiled wordlessly and pounced.

Weird

The things that my mind produces occasionally scare me.

Father

Footsteps in the darkness
Echo faintly down the hall
Silent blade he carries
One last victim he will fall

The daughter she was simple
In permenant slumber she now will rest
Her brother was some what harder
No wonder she deemed him a pest

His grin danced in the inky night
Slaughter tantilized his mind
Mother's corpse lie horribly mutliated
She'd always been the fighting kind

Father's chamber door squeaked
As his silent form slipped inside
Father's mistress was sprawled naked
And in slumber she smiled and sighed

He covered her gasping mouth
As he slit her from ear to ear
And once she'd finally bled dry
He kissed the mouth in a scream no one would hear

As he cleaned the knife methodically
He thought, 'What a day I've had'
When the authorities came they took him away
Father had finally gone mad

Poetry and Books

Jaded by life
In a world of hate
They deamed her a whore
Fufilling lusts was her fate
Each sin she relished
With no heart and no soul
They called her a goddess
With a touch burning cold


Sometimes I think that poem could be my life's theme. I often feel like people only see me in one of two lights. Which leads me to poem blurb number 2...


I live my life in the sense of angels
Just a wing span away from perfection
A common theif among the golden glory
Anxiously awaiting certain detection


I've had a new novel idea bouncing around my mind for several weeks now. I think I might start writing on it soon. It might be a little too thieistic for some people's tastes, but my faith has recently, within the last 6 months or so, gone through a slight change. I'm happy to no longer be under the tight constraints of Southern Baptism, but I know so few people understand Celtic Christianity (or the facsimilie that I practice).

Anyway, back to my book idea. I'm not sure if I'll post it chapter by chapter for the people who enjoy reading my writings. Crazy huh... I actually have a pretty good size following. I may try to publish this idea though. It's a very good book idea that could very possibly turn into a book series. However, it requires a good amount of research into angel lore. I may have to enlist Ray's help on this. Ray is my religion afficinotto (sp?). He's Jewish, but knows more about most religions (yes, multiple) than probably 97% of the population. He's a scholar through and through. Back to the book, which has the main character as a fallen angel.

I may spend some time tomorrow laying down some solid story lines for this. It will give me a good excuse to spend time researching angels and minor demons. I'm so glad I will find myself time at the library over the coming weeks.

Confusion

Have you ever felt so confused and isolated that you feel like your entire life is swirling past you? I feel like that right now. I feel like I'm standing still and running towards the edge of a cliff at the same time. I can't remember the last time I've felt such confusion.

Music isn't helping. I think this is the first time in my entire life that music has been unable to lift my spirits. Linkin Park helps a little, but only very temporarily. There is a small part of me that wishes to curl up and lie on the floor in a little ball and stare into space. I am shaken to the core and wish only to try and live my life as a normal human being. Yet, I cannot.

Unfortuanly, I'm not normal. I can't ever be normal. As crazy as this is going to sound, there is something I am supposed to do with my life. I'm not sure what it is, and I'm not sure how to accomplish it. Yet, it nags at my mind constantly, as if I could be making strides to accomplishing it and I'm not. I can only pray that G-d will lead me to where He needs me. He will place me where I should be.

I have a deeply spiritual side, but I'm not terribly religious. Religion has little appeal for me, because I feel that my relationship with G-d should take a back seat to everything else. I'm content to be in deep prayer spending time with G-d. A relationship with G-d doesn't require that I spend hours pouring over rules and regulations. It requires that I spend time getting to know Him. What better way to do that than to read divinly inspired works (like the Bible), and in essence having conversations with G-d.

Maybe that's why I feel so confused and isolated! I haven't been spending enough time in communuion with G-d! That will make me feel better. I think I'll go read something from the bible now.

Baby Blue Eyes

I wrote this for Lee. He is a friend I care deeply about.


Baby blue eyes
I can't stand to see you cry
Oh no
And baby blue eyes
It's not time to say goodbye
Or to go
Cause when you live for the moment
The moments seem to pass to fast
And when you cling to hurt and anger
All you seem to live in is the past
Oh baby blue eyes
Don't ask me
Don't ask me to let go

You're alone now
As if that's your greatest fear
That's not so
I am with you
That's my voice you hear
And don't let go
I will always find you
No matter how dark the night
I will be your anchor
I will be your guiding light
Oh baby blue eyes
Ask me
Just ask me to let go

Like the blue bird
You will fly away
Far from here
And though I love you
I won't ask you to stay
Close or near
Carry these words with you
Carry them close to your heart
So I can be your comfort
Even when we must be apart
Ask me
Ask me to let go

More Poetry

I will be the song you need
and I will sing it as often as you like
I will be the light you seek
and I will shine as often as you like
I will be your prison's key
and I will open the doors if you ask
I will give you encouraging words
and I will speak them whenever you ask
I will be with you
even when darkness threatens to close in
I will be near you
even when you cannot see
I will love you
when you can't remember how to love yourself
I will be the song you need
and I will sing it as often as you like


I wrote a similar poem last night, but I forget where I put the paper I wrote it on.

Tired

Wow. I'm tired. That seems to be a running theme in my posts now. Maybe I should have a little party the next time I post and I'm not tired.

Anyway, I'm just living for Sunday. My test grades have been "not so hot", and I work Saturday. Sunday is like the beacon of light and wonderment I am clinging to right now.

Jason is depressed and unhappy. I love him dearly, and my heart breaks for him. I know those feelings far too intimately. Heck, I'm a bit unhappy right now myself.

Well, I'm about to fall over I'm so tired. Nighty night.

Gah!

As the sound of my forehead smacking the surface of my computer desk reverberated through my skull, I wondered to myself, "Merbear, didya ever think about sleeping before two in the morning?'

'No,' I politely replied to myself as I picked my head back up and re-read Jason's 2 blog entries for the ninth time.

I got called in to work today. Apparently Justin, the outgoing one, forgot to tell Kenny he needed today off, so it was either call in me or call in Hiram. So, of course, in true peon fashion, I dutifully went and grabbed work clothes from my apartment, and hauled my school books from the car to the back room of the arcade, and I worked tonight. My night off. My night off with Adam. I'd make growly noises, just cause it irked me that much, but I'm too tired to make growly noises.

I'm getting enough sleep. I know I am. I just have such a full schedule it seems like. I'll get used to it, heck I actually enjoy it (as masichistic as that sounds). I like being a productive member of society. I'll just make sure that next time I have my writing spiral and my character notes with me. Writing another installment of 'Learning Curve' will allow me to not be 'wonky'. Cause I'm not going to have enough homework to fill all the time at work I spend sitting behind the ticket redemption counter. There are only so many time I can circle all the machines like a vulture before mothers begin thinking I'm trying to "prey" on their precious children. That is, if the mother is actually there with the child.

I lost count of how many "parentless" children came in to the arcade at 12. And I was only there for 6 hours on a weeknight. I also got tired of having to yell halfway across the arcade 'THAT AIR HOCKEY TABLE IS OUT OF ORDER!" (Patron: "WHY?!") "BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN." I'm sorry, sir, if I knew why it was broken, I would have probably gotten it fixed by now. Well, most likely not, because someone *cough*Skye*cough* bent the key to all the games so now we can't open them. All I can do is feed more tokens into the machines when it eats peoples money.

And on a 'hey! I'm a peon!' note, I managed to lock the keys to the back room in.... the back room. Skye is my favorite person of the day because after my frantic call to his cell phone, he came to the store and taught me how to break into our back room. I nearly cried for joy when he walked through the entrance of the arcade. Of course he was wearing that dorky and endearing head band wrapped around his head like some kind of jewish, over-educated, long haired, liberal ninja. After he taught me the trick to getting the "Employees Only" door open, I tackle hugged him.

Well since I've said alot about Skye without telling ya'll anything about him, let me spend a couple of minutes talking about him. I first met Skye when I moved to Alabama three years ago. He occasionally bought comics from the comic book store that Adam worked at and I basically lived at on the weekends (I spent as much time as I could with Adam that first six months). We occasionally saw each other in passing over the next two years without building much more than a casual (at best) aquiantanceship. Until Lee (one of my close friends here) and I went to the mall one afternoon and the three of us (Lee, Skye, and myself) ended up spending the entire time hanging out together at the arcade where Skye was working. Lee asked Skye for a job application and Skye handed one to me to fill out as well. Well, they needed someone for the summer and Adam and I were two of the people called for an interview. Skye was told by his manager that he was going to get to pick the person he hired, but apparently his manager only told him that to make him feel important. His manager hired one of his friends, and Skye went off to Illinois for the summer. I didn't know that Skye would be the one I was replacing until the day I was hired. Skye and I spent the six hours he trained me bantering back and forth on everything from religion to politics to relationships. This wasn't a fluke, but merely the way he and I always get along. We are both well spoken, educated individuals who are willing to look at things from another person's point of view. I never feel like he "refuses to see my side" of something we disagree on. Well, long story short, we traded cell numbers and now he's threatening to come to the store and hang out with me the next time I'm working. I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy that (in a completely pulatonic way, of course). I find him a lively debate partner. He's Jewish, by birth and by choice according to him. He's liberal, which of course forces me to really take stock of why I'm voting for Bush. But I'm tired, and I need sleep, so more later today.

Wow

That's all I can say right now. I am just blown away by one of Brian's poems. I would post it for you guys, but I would need to ask Brian fisrt, and I'm pretty sure I've gone over my 'Annoying Brian for the Day' quota.

Well, today was my first day at Cyberstation (the name of my lil Namco Arcade). Skye, the guy I'm replacing, trained me. However, when Justin and Kenny --

Short interruption in our story...

Justin -- last person hired before me, basically has the same position as I do, seems nice and outgoing, but makes me feel... shy and overwhelmed, i may take a while to warm up to Justin

when Justin and Kenny showed up near close, Justin said I should forget everything Skye taught me, and he would retrain me the next time we work together, which is most likely Saturday. I'm not sure why I feel shy and overwhelmed around him. I'm not nearly as outgoing and talkative when I'm around extroverted people.

Writing Addiction

Have you ever stopped, taken a moment to think, and realized you were addicted to something? I think I am addicted to writing. I just can't seem to stop. I enjoy doing it, and when I'm done I feel like I've just gone through a cathartic experience. As if the emotions the characters are feeling have been purged from my soul somehow.

I need avatars and signatures for two of my secondary characters at Calad a Duath. They don't have to be anything fancy, but I like to have them just to give other posters an idea of what they look like. I guess I should do that tonight while I've got no homework and some free time.

I figured out why I felt so woozy tonight. It's the nasal decongestant I used. It let me feeling detached and odd. The Loritab and caffine I had just made the effects worse. Guess I know what not to mix from now on.

On a lighter note, for those of you who don't know, I got the job at the Namco arcade! I go in for training tomorrow night! Yay for dorky uniforms and being known as 'the girl who works at the arcade'. I can only hope that the patrons don't hit on me, because I would feel bad if I was forced to beat them down the with inflatable hammer that is in one of the display cases of the ticket redemption counter.

Mer's job run-down - These are people I will be talking about in future blog entries, just so you know who they are....

Kenny: my manager, really nice, seems like he'll be hard to tick off, type A personality, likes following rules

Hiram: my assistant manager, very cool, hates kids, likes to joke around, really good with technical things (like the hard drives of the games at the arcade), goes to ITT Tech in Birmingham, will most likely be my favorite person to work with

I haven't met the other two employees yet, but I'm told I will soon. I'll post on them at a later point. Tomorrow, my training day (where I learn how to close the store), will be spent working with Skye, the guy I was hired to replace. He's quitting, though apparently no one knows why.

Another Song

Another Merril Bainbridge song for your enjoyment...

'Power of One'

He opens up my mind
In a way nobody else has ever
He opens up my dreams
No the life I see is so much brighter

What makes it so
One can touch another
In such a way
We underestimate the beauty
And the power
(of one of one of one)

He opens up my fears
To degrees I never thought existed
He opens up my heart
To relievce the many pains afflicted

What makes it so
One can touch another in such a way
We underestimate the beauty
And the power
(of one of one of one)

We weren't meant to be alone
Though alone this life we leave and enter
In existance of the flesh
We all need to feel a hand that's tender

One hand one heart can effect another
In such a way
We underestimate the beauty
And the power
(of one of one of one)

Song

Hey! I've been blogging for over a month now! I didn't realize it until I was just now looking through all my entries in the Editing panel. Sorry, I had a typo in an early post that needed fixing.

Right now I'm listening to Merril Bainbridge. I had forgotten just how haunting and beautiful her voice is in some of her music. I am so glad I got this CD ages ago when she was popular for the short time she was.

The song I'm listening to right now is 'State of Mind'

Where do I go from here
Or am I just like a clock spinning round
Everything seems unclear
Confusion is raising it's head
And I can't make a sound
I feel it tearing at my soul
While I sleep
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret
What if I make the change
What if I loose all my courage
This time
Everything seems so strange
Try but I can't seem to make a decision
That's right
I feel it pounding like a drum
Inside my brain
I feel it
If it doesn't stop
I'll go insane
I feel it
Tearing at my soul
While I'm asleep
I feel it
Driving me to something I'll regret
I feel it
Pounding like a drum inside my brain
I feel it
I feel it if it doesn't stop
I'll go insane

It's a very bitter-sweet song. It reminds me of the feeling of striving to break free of the chains of a depressing situation. Like the despair you feel when a loved one dies, that weight you feel on your chest and heart, and you just can't break free to the other side you know is there. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you just can't run fast enough to get back into the daylight. You push and strive and pray that with that next step you'll be free of the chains, but they don't lift. You are just bound in chains and running as hard as you can with no end in sight.

Wow. I just re-read what I wrote, and that sounds seriously depressing. No wonder several of my friends think I'm the 'tortured artist' type.

Side Note

Audio Rantings and Ravings

Untitled Poem

I sit up late
In the darkness of night
Inspirations come
And sound so right.

There is no pain
Or love or hate
Here all emotions
dicsipate.

With joys comes love
And with love, pain
All emotions
Feel the same

Is there no faith
Is there no charity
When I see so many things
With such a clarity

People changed
And have been shallowed
Authenticity and trust
Used to be so hallowed

Can you see past them
Can you see through
All these people
And things, untrue?

With light comes darkness
And with good, bad
None of these things
Is what makes me most sad

Betrayl, deception
Shattered trust
All this pain because
He can’t control his blood lust


I wrote this poem a long time ago. Probably my sophmore year of high school. I went through so much emotional pain at such a young age. Sometimes I marvel at how I got through it all without taking my own life. That is a dark road I will never wish on anyone.

Audio Blogging

Well that was a novel experience. I sound like a total dork, but oh well. Now the entire internet world will know me for the dork that I am.

Audio Post 1

Random Blogs

I have a confession to make. I have been using that hideous navbar at the top of the blog pages to find random blogs. I have found several so far worthy of my bookmarking them and returning at various points to read them. A school teacher in Texas, a 19 year old writer in New Hampshire, a guy that I suspect may be a friend of mine from high school. All very interesting and witty in my opinion. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent

Tonight, as I sat here all alone with a cup of ginger ale and a cup of cocoa pebbles, I decided to go randomly skimming through blogs again. I've read all of my friend's updates already, and I even built a new blog to post the installments of my fanfiction as I edit them in. Lo and behold, about five blogs in I hit the jackpot. I read this man's ENTIRE blog, and I just have to say, he makes so much sense to me, like a kindred spirit. Twenty-three and worn down by life and people, he is alot like me in many ways. And when I say "me", I mean the real me. Not the perky, friendly facade I put on so that I don't hurt any of my friends feelings. I mean the one that says what she thinks, and doesn't allow people to bullshit their way through life. Wow, I miss that side of me. It comes out so rarely because the people around me just can't seem to handle it.

I wish sometimes I didn't worry so about hurting the feelings of the people around me. I would love to be able to say what I think, knowing that I truely meant it deep down inside. However, I knew far too well the catch in one's throat when you realize someone thinks you are any number of things that have negative connotations. So I will have to sedate myself with sour flavored skittles and cranberry juice.

Which reminds me. Tomorrow I start my training. Though, for the most part, I loathe running, I think I will find a lot of enjoyment in this.

Bored

Take the quiz: "Which'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=710">"Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Is maith liom bananai
Is maith liom bananai - 'I like bananas.'You're laid-back and you enjoy the simple things in life. Some might say you're a little too laid-back. Just what is it you're smoking, anyway?



Wow. I'm bored. Hurricane Ivan sucked, and now I'm back home.

Stolen from Mike

Who stole it from "John"


name: Meredith
piercings: Two sets in my earlobes
height: 5'8"
shoe size: 8ish (i wear lots of sandles, so i can't really remember)
hair color: strawberry blonde
length: Just below my shoulders
siblings: Rafeford

[ t h e l a s t . . .]
movie you rented: does netflix count? if it does, then transformers season 1
movie you bought: ummmmmm i think it was bulletproof monk.
person that called you: Some guy from the Namco video arcade about an interview
person you called: a lady from the church i used to go to
TV show you watched: Angel
Person you were thinking of: Mike (i was at his blog/journally thingy, sue me)

[ d o . . .]
you have a b/f or g/f: yup
you think about suicide: not anymore
others find you attractive: apparently
you want more piercings: yes, but i won't get any more
you drink: Not really
you do drugs: hell no
you like cleaning: yes and no. i don't like doing it, but i love the way i feel afterwards
you like roller coasters: once i'm on them, yes
you write in cursive or print: i write in a cursive print hybrid. you have to know both to be able to read my writing

[ f o r o r a g a i n s t . . . ]
long distance relationships: *shrug* If it happens, it happens. ((i like mike's answer))
premarital sex: it depends on the relationship IMO.
teenage smoking: i'm allergic to second hand smoke. so there's your answer
driving drunk: Against, big time. ((again, i like mike's answer))
gay/lesbian relationships: Don't care.
soap operas: their an addiction

[ f a v o r i t e . . . ]
food: steak and potatoes
drink: unsweetened iced tea or ice water
color(s): chrome, deep red, pink, baby blue
song: Tim McGraw - Please Remember Me
sports: Technical Theatre (yes, it's a sport darnit)
movies: The Last Samurai, Gladiator, Braveheart, Merlin, Hero, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail
Disney movie: Aladdin
Scent: a cologne called XXL
Girl name: Never really thought about that...
Guy name: ...or this one either, for that matter.
Flowers: yellow roses. (yes, there's a difference in rose colors)

[ h a v e y o u . . . ]
ever cried over a guy/girl: heck yeah
ever lied to someone: yes, and i'm not proud of it
ever been in a fist fight: Yes
ever been arrested: technically, no

[ n u m b e r . . . ]
of times you'uve been in love: twice
of times you've had your heart broken: a handful.
of girls/guys you'uve slept with: no comment, and none of your beeswax
of people I consider my enemies: one, but last i heard he was in a jail somewhere in texas (good riddance)
of things in my past I regret: nothing. living with regrets is purposeless

[ d o y o u t h i n k t h a t y o u ?r e . . . ]
pretty: depends. i'm not pretty in a classical way, if i say that i am, it's in more of an exotic way
funny: occasionally
hot: Not really.
friendly: oh heck yeah. i'm about as friendly as possible for an introvert
dorky: i'm an uber dork =P
smart: that's what all the tests say

[ d e s c r i b e y o u r . . . ]
jewelry worn daily: ornamental silver antiqued cross that has 'ihs' inscribed in it, a set of hoop earings, a set of pearl stud earrings, a silver celtic knot ring, and a silver and black green lantern ring
blanket: a pink, blue, green and white quilt
favorite top: a little green tank top that adam won't let me wear in public because it shows so much cleavage
cd in stereo right now: The Matrix soundtrack

[ r a n d o m . . . ]
spell your first name backwards: htiderem
story behind your username: sweetestsiren. i have this uncanny ability to twist men the way i want them. i don't do it anymore if i can help it, because it's wrong, but i'll always be a siren
what are you wearing right now: green cargo pants, blue tank top

[ d o y o u . . . ]
believe in love: Yes.
believe in love at first sight: yup
believe in soul mates: Yeah.
believe in forgiveness: Yeah.
believe in God: Yes.

[ t h I n g s y o u n o t I c e a b o u t t h e o p p o s I t e s e x . . . ]
first thing noticed: i've got a thing for broad shoulders and tall guys
turnons: a nice laugh, expressive eyes, confidence. I definintely need an alpha male

[ y o u . . . ]
have you ever had a song written about you?: several times actually
what song makes you cry: 'whiskey lullaby' by brad paisley, 'this is how you remind me' by nickleback
what song makes you happy: Beer Run
what do you listen to before bed: whatever is last on my play list

[ a p p e a r a n c e . . . ]
skin color: very pale, but still healthy looking
eye color: they change color, but most of the time they look like (and i'm quoting here) "the turning of autumn leaves"

[ r i g h t n o w . . . ]
what song are you listening to?: Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip
what taste is in your mouth?: .... normal taste?
whats the weather like: pretty and shiny
how are you?: spent and tired, but i'll be okay

[ h a v e y o u . . .]
broken the law?: several times
ran away from home: yes
ever gone skinny dipping?: yup
ever tipped over a porta potty?: Nope.
used your parents credit card before?: oh heck yeah
skipped school before?: yup
been in a school play: a handful
had a hard time getting over someone: yes!
had a job: a couple
if you were a crayon what color would you be: violet
things that make you happy: music, the people i consider friends, writing, singing, laughing
whats the next CD you're gonna get?: no idea

[ w he n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t t i m e . . . ]
you cried: last thursday right before i went to the ER
you got a real letter: about a week ago
you got an e-mail: earlier today
movie you saw in the theatre: Hero

Complaining

Do you ever just sit back and think, 'Wow, my life is pretty crappy right now, and it shows no signs of getting better.' Cause right now.... that's how I feel.

[complaining]
1. I'm still sick. My voice sounds horrible, and I can't sing. (For those of you who don't know, Singing always puts me in a good mood. I love it so.)

2. Kidney infection. I'm about to run out of loritab and tylenol just doesn't do it for me.

3. School. I am behind in ALL of my classes. I am trying desperately just to stay afloat.

4. Money. I'm poor. I have no job. Too bad I owe Adam lots of money.

5. Adam. He doesn't understand that while I'm sick and in pain I don't want to have to spend thirty minutes in front of the sink washing dishes or an hour in the kitchen making dinner/lunch/whatever other meal I'm supposed to be making.

6. I'm still sick. I keep trying to hack up one of my lungs.

7. Well, I don't know what seven is, but if I did, I'm sure it would be equally horrifying.
[/complaining]

Okay, well I fell like I'm about to puke my guts up so I think I'll lay down for a bit. However, Mike has me now hooked to The Black Mages as my writing/RPG music. I'd curse him or something, but it is seriously good music to write to. Decisions, decisions. Should I stay and write for a bit and finish that character update I started? Or should I take a nap while Adam's at work, so that he can't tell me not to later? Writing wins.

Infected

I have a kidney infection. I hate having a kidney infection. I'll leave out some of the more mortifying symptoms, but one symptom is extreme pain in the lower back, sides, and abdomin. The doctor at the emergency room prescribed me Loritab for the pain. Though, right now, my heating pad over in the recliner looks very welcoming.

Oh yeah, I went to the emergency room. After a sleepless hour of horrible pain early on Thursday morning, I finally told Adam I wanted to go to the emergency room at Druid City Hospital. We got me signed in and waited in the general waiting room for about a half hour. Once I got to an exam room, it was another unpleasant 4 hours before I left. I was given a diagnosis of a kidney infection and lower back strain and two prescription medications.

I've been taking the down time I've had to work on my current cross-stitch project. It's a cat curled up in a recliner, and it has the caption 'Home is where the Cat is." It's adorable, and I think I may give it to my mother for Christmas.

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person in the universe that gets it. I feel like all the people who surround me are just little drones concerned with dating, video games, and traffic. As if when they go home at the end of the day, they aren't thinking about the consequences their actions will have. Don't they understand that with each action there is an appropriate consequence?

I've been asked before why I make the choices I do, and I've finally come up with an answer that satisfies me. I make my choices based on the consequences I am either happy with or willing to deal with. I tend not to take any action that I would not like the outcome of.

I'll post again when I have more Loritab induced musings.

**Explicit Content**

Please don't read the following post if you are easily offended by things of a sexual nature.







I am amazed on a daily basis at how well I apparently hide my sexual nature. I am a very sexual person, but apparently most people who talk to me on a day to day basis have trouble seeing me in that light. Is there something wrong with enjoying the fact that I am a sexual creature with wants, needs, and desires? Sometimes I feel so stifled because there are so few people who will allow me to joke about it, or who I can joke about it with without feeling "weird". Jeez, what is wrong with me? I can be a depraved and explicit individual, given the chance. The people who I feel comfortable showing that side too often seem to understand me better. I guess that is partly because I am in a comfortable and healthy relationship with a sexual aggresive man. I have no problem voicing and joking about desires and whims of myself or others.

Ya know, I didn't have this problem when my hair was waist length and black and I wore black and red make-up. People naturally assumed that I was deviant and that I must be sexually deviant as well. So, problem solved. No more strawberry blonde, happy perky Mer. From now on I will be ..... oh who am I kidding? I know I'm not going to dye my hair black again or go back to wearing all that make-up. I like the way I look normally. I guess I just need to accept the fact that people assume I am innocent and carefree and that I don't know what it's like to brandish a leather whip and wear black stiletto heels and nothing else.

Here I Am Again

Hello life. I'm back. Miss me? I knew you wouldn't.

Well, I've now been sick for five days. Five Long Days. I'd demand the time back, but I know I won't get it. Even now, I'm comtemplating taking tomorrow off from my classes in the effort of making sure I'm well enough to face classes and life in general. I am prone to becoming ill again if I push myself too hard. After I get offline, I will commence with reading two chapters in my psych book that I have been neglecting in preference to a book about vampires and soulmates that I've read probably close to twenty times. (Yes, I know I was a demented teenager). I have justified my reading 'The Chosen' again by telling myself that it's research for an RPG board I may be helping start (like I need another RPG).

Update

Okay, well since I'm sick I'm only giving a brief update of the happenings in my life.

I'm over my infatuation. Guess it was one of those 'hey, he's really nice to me, and I really needed someone to be nice to me today' kinds of things.

I caught some kind of cold or flu at school. I am officially sick now, and unless you are bringing me noodle soup, cold medications, or something that will let me sleep more than 3 hours at a time, then I don't want to talk to you.

School is going nicely. I don't have class Monday due to Labor Day, but things kick back up on Tuesday with my math and psychology classes.

My apartment looks half decent. Now to get the other half looking okay....

Perfect On Paper

According to my boyfriend, on paper, I am the perfect girlfriend. Now when he told me this late last night, or rather, I should say early this morning, I looked at him as if he'd just grown a third eye that was staring at me. I asked why he thought that and this is basically what he told me.

'You're pretty, smart, funny, a good listener, sexy, and have most if not all of the qualities guys look for in a long term relationship. You are confident and are full of a love and zest for life that people are drawn to.'

Personally, I think this is effing nuts. I am so far off from what guys want it's almost not funny. It's like Jeff said, "Mery, you're not the kind of girl guys date." Guys like me as a friend. It's nothing more than that. Now some people might argue that the fact that almost all of my guy friends have some kind of crush on me at some point proves me wrong, but I still think my point stands. Infatuation usually has no bearing on long term relationships. And after that initial infatuation passes, basically all of them tell me the same thing. They consider me one of the guys and cannot fathom dating me or seeing me in that kind of light.

I am flattered that they feel I am trust worthy enough to be considered 'one of the guys', but it annoys the hell out of me that apparently it means I am "undateable". That's just crazy. Then again, I have never claimed to completely understand the male species.

Sigh of Relief

Okay, I caught Tokyo a little while ago. I was getting really upset. My first cat ran away when I lived in an apartment with my parents in middle school. I was having flash backs to when my family found out that an animal shelter had picked her up, but since we didn't find out in time she was put down. Saying I was mildly upset would be an understatement.

Tokyo

Wow. I am so bummed right now. I found out that Tokyo, my cat, got out of the apartment sometime earlier this evening. I saw her a little while after Adam called to let me know that he saw her outside, but now I can't even find her when I go out there to try and get her. I'm going to be really upset if I can't find her. Who's gonna sleep between my knees and keep my legs warm? Who's gonna claw up my fourth-hand furniture? Who's going to greet my in the morning by trying to trip me? Who's going to sleep on top of Adam's recliner and beat him in the head with their tail?

Great. Now I just made myself more upset. Way to go Mer!

On a happier note, I am COMPLETELY up to date on my homework. I don't think I'll be able to say that again this semester, but for now it makes me happy.