Simplified Life

I am trying to put myself on a regluar schedule. From about Friday on (I'm giving myself time to adjust), I'm going to wake up every morning and go running. Then, I will come home, take a shower, and get ready for the day. So, I should be up and about by 9 a.m. And my first classes for next semester don't start til 10 a.m., so I'm thinking this morning schedule will last me through June of 2005.

I know all of this sounds very simplistic, but apparently, that's what I need right now. A simplified life. In a way, I need to start things with baby steps. Tomorrow I will wake up at 9:30 a.m. and then I'll go run for a half hour to 45 minutes (depending on how I feel). Then, I'll get ready for work, which doesn't start til 3 p.m. And slowly, I'll move the time I wake up back until it is 6:45 a.m. by Friday.

On a different note, 'National Treasure' was actually pretty good. I enjoyed it, and felt like it was a cute little movie. I left the movie feeling entertained and in good spirits. And I don't really like Nick Cage as an actor, so that's saying something. I know I'll end up buying this on DVD. On the way home from the movie, Adam stopped at Wal-Mart and bought 'Spiderman 2' and 'Hero'. Both are superb movies, and I recommend them to anyone who hasn't seen them. Please get out from under your rock and see these movies!

Music: Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Mood: Productive

Time For Sleep

I know that I should be going and sleeping, seeing as it's four in the morning, but I wanted to type for a bit. I am excited about my life. For the first time in ages, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am looking forward to spending another day as 'me'. I am so happy I can say that again. There was a while where I was just going through the motions of feeling happy and normal. Now, I feel happy and normal.

I got an mp3 player for my jogging. I will start tomorrow at Snow Hinton Park. I hope that my jogging clothes haven't been packed away in some box. I will also find time tomorrow to clean. Happy Monday everyone!

Music: Brittney Spears - Stronger
Mood: Joyful

A Hopeful Outlook

Well, after spending the weekend in the hospital for, what can be most easily described as, a stress related break down. My doctor says that I have been way too stressed. As in, most normal people on a scale of 1-100 have around a 30, I have around an 85. So, I will be de-stressing my life, organizing my life, and rescheduling my life. For the most part, I have a very chaotic life. I will be cutting down on that with running (a great stress management tool), keeping a normal sleep schedule, and "cognative therapy". Cognative Therapy is just a behavior management tool that means I use positive thinking instead of negative. It sounds easy enough, but I know from past experience that it takes a little while to change it. I am also under orders from the doctor to keep a daily journal about my feelings and stresses. It's "me"-time, and I am supposed to use it for myself. In other words, I can't let other people's stress get to me, and I need somewhere to destress myself.

Music: Fable Soundtrack
Mood: Positive

Scaring Myself and Others

As I sat, driving Adam's Ford Probe, at the red light on Hellen Keller Blvd. and Jack Warner Parkway, I broke down into tears. I have no idea why, but I feel like my world is slipping away. I feel so desolate, and alone. I know people would notice if I just disappeared. I know people care about me, but I found myself wanting to drive until I hit sometime big and solid when I was on McFarland Blvd. I shouldn't want to do that. That's not normal. So, I am beginning to worry about myself.


In fact, I think I need to go to the emergency room. I love you all, and hope to give an update soon.

Music: Johnny Cash - Hurt
Mood: Scared

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope each and every one of you is having a splendid holiday.

My day was filled with eating, and driving, and a moderate headache. However, I got chili and drained my sinuses, so all is well again. Or at least as well as it can be on 2 and a half hours sleep.

And now for some soft sounds of the beach and sleep.

Music: Terri Clark - I Wanna Do It All
Mood: Sleepy

Blurb

This is what I get for sifting through one of my poetry files at 11:30 at night.

"Blurb"

My love burns brightly for one I cannot have
A life of pain is the one I lead
My tears are dried and so very far gone
If only I could shake the feelings of pity
He lights up the room with an innocent’s smile
In so dark a world he is a star

It nearly brought tears to my eyes. Yet another poem from my sophmore year in high school. Sometimes I get glimpses that remind me why that year is almost completely blocked from my memory. There are some things that the mind supresses that should be left supressed.

Music: Evanesence - Hello
Mood: Still Melancholy

Finished

"And Yet I Am Not Happy"

Eyes opened
But purity kept
And yet I am not happy

Heart shattered
With a soul of white light
And yet I am not happy

Best friend lost and
A life still on track
And yet I am not happy

Dark and depressed with him
Laughter and light alone
And yet I am not happy

How is happiness so elusive
A mistress I seek only to lose

I strive for it
And I turn up nothing
I die for it
But my last breath is wasted.

I finally finished this poem tonight. It's been an unfinished work since my sophmore year of high school, but I knew it was there and knew it needed to be finished.

Music: The Corrs - Runaway
Mood: Melancholy

Spring

Alot is weighing on my mind right now. I don't know why, but it is.

I'll post more about it at some other point. I have too many other things and people taking up my time.

I have secured my schedule for next spring. I will be taking English Composition 2, Finite Mathmatics, General Psychology, Theatre Appriciation, and General Computer Applications. All in all it is two classes every day, and then one class online. The computer class will be a breeze since all the assignments are 'send an email to your teacher' and 'send an email with an attachment to your teacher'. English Comp 2 and Theatre will be A's with only minor effort, and that means I'll be able to concentrate on my Math and Psychology classes. Hopefully Ahmad will help me with math when I need it, and Adam (a Psychology major) should be able to help me with Psych.

Music: Reba McEntire - I'll Be
Mood: Contemplative

alikghasifugh

Yeah, okay. I'm in an odd mood.

I wish Mike wasn't having a hard time of things. I am glad that Jason is back to being his normal pseudo-happy self around me. I'm glad Adam is having fun watching his football game and I don't have to watch it with him.

Anywho. Work is going to be rough tonight. Because of the football game, we are going to be overloaded with little kids and such. Now, I just need to make sure I have money for food tonight. I'm thinking I either want Chinese (Teriaki Chicken) or Pizza.

Okay, I think it's time to, yet again, medicate myself. More later

Music: Alabama/Auburn Football Game
Mood: Joyful

*Sigh*

Is there something wrong with wanting your friends to be happy?

Apparently there is, because so many of my friends are unhappy right now. And there isn't a darned thing I can do to comfort them.

I guess I'll go work on more of my Christmas presents. I must have them finished in the next couple of weeks.

Music: Green Day - Blvd. of Broken Dreams
Mood: Melancholy

Joan

They called Joan of Arc crazy simply because she talked to God. Or did they call her crazy because God spoke back?

Why are some people so afraid of feeling God's presence in their lives? I rather like the feeling of love and joy that comes into my life everyday that I embrace God's blessings. Now, don't get me wrong. I can relate. I spent several years angry with God. So angry I went as far as to say He didn't exist, and that I would never believe that He did. But the cries of an angry child didn't make God turn away from my life. The complete opposite actually. I felt His embrace even more. And while I was angry, that love and salvation and joy scared me. I didn't think I deserved it, so I couldn't accept it.

It was only when I was 17, away from my parents and the influence of some rather mislead friends that I realized a truth. I would never be worthy of unconditional love. I am flawed by nature. All humans are. Once I realized that, God continued to call my name. Even louder this time. But I could no longer deny that call. I felt the pull of joy, love, and compassion. Only when I knew just how precious that unconditional love was could I accept it.

And accept it I did. Sitting on the linoelium floor of my kitchen, crying from the shear overpowering love and acceptance I felt from God, I finally accepted everything I had been denying for so long. God's pure, unadultered love had literally brought me to my knees.

Skip forward three years...

I have found myself in a close relationship with God that I cannot imagine my life without. How do those without God's love and guidence survive? I seek His wisdom and council everyday. It is an ever present compass in my life.

However, I must also consider those who follow God, but follow him only because He is all they know. God gave us each free will, and if you do not use that free will to choose how you worship him, are you not denying a blessing and gift God has put in your life? Why do "Christians" become so defensive when I question. God gave me an intellect. I think he would be very disapointed if I didn't use it.

Music: The Corrs - Only When I Sleep
Mood: Curious

Much Has Come To Pass

Well, my plane trips were interesting, and my visit to Houston was enjoyable and (sadly) short. I also have found myself sick, again.

I missed my 5:30 A. M. flight to Houston by five minutes. So I got changed to a 6:30 A.M. flight. Keep in mind that I haven't had sleep in about 20 or 21 hours at this point. When I got to Atlanta, we were 20 minutes ahead of schedule, so we had our arrival gate changed. We disembarked in a completely different concourse than I needed to be in. I was forced to take an escalator (which I am terrified of) down to a long hall, where I boarded a mini subway and made my way to Concourse B. After I got to my gate, I set off to find coffee. I bought a six dollar (and it was a small!) iced mocha, which promptly peed on my shirt. The cup was broken, but the damage was done, so I just drank the rest of it, and waited for my plane. Once on the plane, I tried to read my bible, but after reading the same verse seven or eight times, I gave up and just watched the scenry pass beneath the plane. I swear I only blinked, but suddenly everyone around me had drinks and the pilot was telling us that we were nearing Houston. After a very rough landing, which included us going up during our initial decent into Bush Intercontenential and one of the engines sounding like it had cut out, we landed. Rafe, my brother, picked me up from the airport. We listened to Flogging Molly on our way to our parents' house.

In Houston, I saw several movies, spent time waiting in line with friends for Halo 2, spent time with my parents, went to Mercer Arboritem, and spent a good amount of time with Jer and Chris. It was highly enjoyable, and left me feeling a good bit less stressed.

The flight back as nice. I read The Dragon Reborn and the guy next to me stole one of my two packs of peanuts. We hit a little turbulance and it stole my breath I was so scared. Adam and I went out to dinner and got comics while in Birmingham.

Thursday, I had a seven hour work shift. It sucked, since I'm sick. I came home and wasn't here long before I decided sleep was the best option.

Today, I mistakenly thought I was working. Hiram told me to go home when I got to Cyberstation, but as I was leaving, Kenny intercepted me and asked me to work. Justin apparently had his last wisdom tooth pulled and couldn't come in to work. So, of course, I stayed. I spent most of the night with a headache and a stuffed up nose. I cut off the token machines at 8:30 P.M. and snapped at several people who probably didn't deserve it.

I am praying that I get well soon, or that He sends more DayQuil.

Music- None
Mood- Sick

Packing

Well, tonight I will be packing my nifty rolling carry on luggage for my trip. I'm very excited. It's only the second time I've flown. I flew between Houston, TX and Birmingham, AL when I was 17 to visit Adam for his 22nd birthday. Both flights were non-stop, and people I knew (or sort of knew) met me off each flight and saw me off. This time I have an hour long lay over in Atlanta, GA. I'm a little nervous. I know I probably shouldn't be, but I am. This is something that I, personally, have never experienced.

Music: Green Day - Blvd. of Broken Dreams
Mood: Elated

Ginger Ale

I'm writing this in the hopes that everything that I'm keeping on the inside that is eating me alive will come out.

The taste of flat ginger ale has left a stale taste in my mouth. That is how I feel right now. I feel like ginger ale once all the carbonation has left it. The bounce in my step has died. I am left to walk without it.

Every day keeps draining me until there is nothing left. I am not given time to rebuild my energy before the next day comes. I dearly wish Adam could see that. He does not seem to realize that even though the tasks he asks of me are small, I am left with so little that they take more out of me than they should.

We have gotten more information on the person who hit us. It is a man from Mexico that the local police have had several "dealings" with. He has no state or national ID issued to him, only his Mexican ID. Since he didn't bother to get a legal ID here, Adam is worried that he doesn't have car insurance either. I hate to say that I share his concern. Adam fixed his brake lights this afternoon, so at least that's one less thing he'll need to get fixed.

I work tomorrow through Saturday night. I can't say I am looking forward to working every night, but I guess it's better than working open to close all three days. Which reminds me. I have laundry I need to finish.

The apartment has been on a roller coaster of cleaning. It gets marginally cleaner, but gets dirty again in almost no time. Somehow, in less time than it took me to clean it to the point it was at, it has now gotten even dirtier than before. I would shake my fist at this leap frog tactic that my apartment has taken in trying to stay dirty, but I know that it would do no good.

Tokyo tried to run away tonight, but I laughed when she got to the edge of the patio only to find that it was pouring down rain. She stopped, looked out across the grass, turned tail, and ran back inside.

However, on a lighter note, Mike and I are having a great conversation about a hypothetical squrriel with a sniper rifle versus a random terrorist with a rocket launcher. The squrriel is winning.


Music: Jimmy Eat World - Takes My Pain Away
Mood: Amused

Holy $h!t

I was just in a hit and run accident.

Adam and I stopped at Arby's on the way back from me picking him up for his lunch break so that he could get his car back. In the turn lane on 15th Street to get back onto McFarland Blvd., we were waiting for the light to turn green. Suddenly, we hear the screech of tires and both of us were thrown forward into our seatbelts. We find ourselves thirty or so feet forward into the intersection. I hear engines gunning to my right and so I turn my head to see a silver Trans Am speed off following another car that I can't really see well because of the dark. As Adam tries to get the fuel line cut off switch thrown so that the car had fuel again, I called the Tuscaloosa Police Department. While we were waiting for an officer to get there, Adam put the car in neutral and pushed it back into the turn lane so that it was no longer blocking traffic. When I got out of the car again, and looked at the skid marks behind the car, I look up to see a Silver Trans Am. The same silver Trans Am. I yelled to Adam, "that's it! That's the Trans Am!" After the first cop got there and looked at the scene, we were allowed to move to the parking lot of the pharmacy across the street from University Mall. Well, two more officers in two more cars get there. At this point, we find out that the silver Trans Am was actually tailing the car that hit us so that the cops would get him. It is to him that the thanks goes for the police catching the guy.

Needless to say, the next hour passed in sort of a blur. We were the second hit and run of the night at 11:30 P.M.. The police took pictures of Adam's car, and all three took turns having the accident and damage on the car explained to them. Adam decided to press charges (since he was the one driving). Adam and I will both have to show up in court if this goes to trial. I am hoping that the guy that hit Adam's car will plead guilty, and pay resitution.

And now for an update...

The guy that hit Adam and I was just sent to jail on charges of Driving under the Influence and Leaning the Scene of an Accident. There is a part of me that really understands the gravity of the situation. But there is also a part of me that wants to rip apart stuffed animals. I think the serious side is winning.

Sigh

I am shaking I am so upset right now.

My life feels like it's falling apart. I'm glad I count Brian among my friends, because apparently he's the only one who's here for me right now.

I don't even know where to start, but I know where to end. I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my life. Only God knows where I will be a month from now. And I feel like the worst kind of bitch for hanging up on Jeremy when I was on the phone with him earlier. It's no excuse that I was upset. And while he did do something that made me upset, where did the serenity and the calm nature that I normally keep go? Jon is the only person I used to explode at. Now... I guess I don't know anymore.

"A Small Measure of Peace"

And so I find myself filled to the brim emotionally. There is a part of me that wants to just say, 'Screw all of this. Being happy can't be nearly that important. I'm joining the Air Force and hopefully they will ship me overseas somewhere.'

Now, I know that it wouldn't make me happy to be shipped overseas. I know that I love all my friends and wouldn't want to cut all ties with them. However, I feel so exhausted right now that I think that surely keeping my life in order isn't worth feeling like this.

I found myself wishing today that I could be talented. In essence, being multi-talented means being "above average" at several things. However, when compared in any single talent to someone truely gifted in it, you end up being honestly mediocre. I find myself wondering if I am actually gifted, or only multi-talented. Many times, I stand in awe of others. Girls whose voices ring as clear as a bell on a cold morning. Writers whose handiwork makes me weep at the beauty of it. Speakers whose voices and words weave together an enthralling visage that leaves the audience captivated. I can only wonder how I came to understand and accept that I will always be second best.

I am, by no means, bitter about this. I only wish that I could have some awe inspiring talent that God could use through me to reach others. I have found myself praying these words on an almost daily basis.

"Lord, use me. Use my talents, gifts, and flaws to reach others. Let me be a beacon of your love and light. Let others see through me your grace, your forgiveness, and your beauty. I want so much to be a good daughter to you. Please touch other peoples lives through me."

Even writing it brings tears to my eyes. This is how badly I want God to work through my life. This is how important it is to me that I have God as the major part of my life.

Music: Hans Zimmer - A Small Measure of Peace
Mood: Numb