Meh Just Sums It Up

I feel so apathetic right now. There's nothing I want to do. I'm thinking about going and working on getting my room clean because, well, it needs it. I find doing all things equally unappealing right now, so I might as well do something that might put me in a better mood.

One of these days I am going to take pictures of my whole room so that all you people can see where I live. My room shows different sides of me, almost like a physical reflection of me. I love my room. It is my safe haven.

Music: Pink - Most Girls
Mood: Apathetic

Laptop Loves

I got my laptop today! I love it. I love it to itty bitty peices. I put winamp on it, and the soundtrack from The Last Samurai, and several pictures for me to choose from for a background until I get a good one made for me. I also put The Sims on it.

Here is my laptop charging, and this is my laptop on and open.

Mike is making me a custom wallpaper, but I needed something that was "non-default" until he makes it. Adam may be setting up a wireless router so that I can use the laptop to get online anytime I need to, like in my room doing homework and whatever.

Music: Pink - There You Go
Mood: Damn Good

Muted Anger

What a vicious cycle Adam and I have entered into. He feels like the only thing I want to do, and talk about doing, is playing Final Fantasy XI. I think he doesn't care about the things I've deemed important, and so I (childishly) put a lessor value on the things he's deemed important. I sit here typing, afraid that if I start making an effort to put a level of importance on the things he thinks are important, he won't do the same for me.

There is a part of me that seriously wants to tell him to stuff it, and that I want a partner, not a father. I honestly feel like he treats me like a second class citizen simply because I've had problems in the past that I am still working on fixing today. Yes, I realize I am not the cleanest person on the planet. Yes, I realize that I have screwed up almost every part of my life at one point or another. Yes, I realize that I am 21 and only now learning some of the basic lessons of being a functioning mature adult. That doesn't mean that I want to be treated like an invalid child. I don't want to be treated like I can't take care of myself. I want the same respect and love everyone is offered freely.

Music: None
Mood: Upset

Cat Bath

Every other month I am forced to give Tokyo a bath 24 hours before changing her flea collar. It is usually a slightly unpleasure ordeal, what with her trying to escape the bathtub, and the meowing constantly. I don't get scratched however. I have become adept at the art of 'cat bathing'.

Fear the Tokyo!

That's in the entrance to Adam's room. She has also spent time licking herself in the hall, the bathroom, Adam's room, the entrance to my room, and the entrance to the living room. She hasn't made it as far as the living room, dining room, and kitchen yet.

Music: Crossfade - Cold
Mood: Amused

Inspire Me

Where has my inspiration gone? I cannot write another installment in 'Learning Curve'. I've tried. For hours, I have sat staring at the screen while the words filter into my mind, but are discarded before I type them. The story is already written, in my mind at least. On paper, I only have the skeleton's of over fifty of these short stories staring some of my most dear creations. I am sorely afraid that this is a side effect of the Paxil. I didn't write for several months when I was on Zoloft last year, and I could not bare it if I leave writing for that long again.

I am thinking about re-writing my third novel. The first two are unpublishable. Creations of my teenage years that are filled with the constant changes in mood that swing from morbid to bubbly and back again. I read them and almost feel sick at the main characters' turmoil and pain. My third novel, however, is about a girl with borderline personality disorder while she's in college. Striving to find acceptance, she becomes an out of control party girl at night, while leading the double life of the "good girlfriend and student" during the day. If re-written, it might actually be something I would send into a publishing house.

I hope everyone has a blessed night, because my apartment is in need of cleaning.

Music: Etta James - At Last
Mood: Pretty Good

A Motherly Aside

My mother wants me to buy an anti-theft device for my laptop. Check that, my mother is forcing me to buy an anti-theft device for my laptop. She and my father are paying for it of course, but it still means I have one more thing to add to that list I keep titled '1001 reasons my mother is responsible for my loss of sanity'. I've saving it until my mother finally drives me to a homocidal rage that leaves Tuscaloosa and it's surrounding areas with expressions of horror and disgust.

For those of you who don't know, my mother is the reason I moved out of my parent's home a year early. She is also one of the reasons I moved THREE STATES AWAY! To put it nicely, she drives me nuts. She nags and tells me what to do, but I still love her. It's like one of those sick relationships where you don't know how to get out of it because your still love the person even if they are bad for you. We usually end up fighting once every three or so months. These fights end with me hanging up on her, in tears, because if I talk to her for one more second... all those horrible things I think about her sometimes that I don't really mean will come pouring out, and I refuse to hurt her like that. She doesn't deserve to have me hurt her when she's worked so hard to try to give me a good life, and a good home. It isn't her fault that my brother and I had a rivalry that was only curbed by me moving out. It isn't her fault that she had to go back to work and was rarely there for my middle school years. It definately wasn't her fault I tried so hard to keep all the pain and emotional turmoil from my abuse a secret from my family.

I tried so hard to protect them...

But this isn't about me.

My mother is human. I don't expect her to be a 'super mom'. I expect her to fail. I expect her to make mistakes. I hope that I've learned from some of her mistakes so that I do not make them with my own children someday.

However, that doesn't stop her from doing and saying some things that I think are absolutely nutty. One of her reasons for not helping me with college costs and expenses anymore... She wants to buy land so that in case of 'economic meltdown', our family can live off the land and not starve.

Now, I can understand her wanting to provide for her family in case the economy goes to hell. But if there's a nuclear war and we need to prepare for nuclear winter.... Well, I figure we're screwed anyway. We don't need land to hide on. Land that we will have to pay taxes and upkeep on for the next however many years until whatever happens, happens.

In the mean time, I think it is a wise investment to get myself a higher education. I still haven't given up on the idea that I will get my 4-year in English and a Masters in British Literature. All in hopes that I will be a college professor one day.

Music: Stained - It's Been A While
Mood: Content

Ow.

In pain and tired, I'm trying to find myself a happy medium. I've already taken Excedrine Migraine, and now I am thinking about the merit of a nap.

Adam and I didn't go to Montgomery today, but we will tomorrow. No Excuses.

For now though, I am going to go lay down after taking more meds.

Music: None
Mood: Pained

Morning's Musings

Well, I'm getting a laptop. It's for school, not for play. It's not the best laptop in the world, but not the worst either. WindowsXP, a 40 GB Hard Drive, 128 MB of RAM, a 1.1 GB AMD Athelon, and a 14 inch monitor are just a few of the features. Like I said, it's a good laptop for the fact that I only really need it to take notes on, write on, and generally organize my life on. For those of you who know my in real life, remember how I never go anywhere without that stupid red planner that has all my money and scheduling and everything in it? Yeah, the laptop will probably be like that once I get it.

Adam and I have finally defeated Balder's Gate 2: Dark Alliance for the Xbox! We're going to try it with two different characters on a more difficult setting sometime in the next couple of days. I think I'll end up playing the Elvan Necromancer simply because I usually end up being the spellcaster, and I like being a spellcaster. The game started being a bit too easy about half way through. Adam and I mentioned it several times, and we ended the game with close to half a million gold peices. And by close, I mean we were 2,000 gold peices away from making 500,000.

Other than that, I have very little news. We got pulled over today in Vestavia Hills by the police. Adam got two tickets, one of which I will pay. One was for his lisence (which is still suspended), the other was for my truck which has an expired tag. Two guesses which one I'm going to be paying for. We then went on to the Vestavia Rave Theatre where we bought advanced tickets to the prescreening of Star Wars: Episode Three - Revenge of the Sith in May. Yes, we are dorky, and yes, we WILL be seeing Ep. 3 before you. So, Ha.

This is turning into a long weekend, with much time spent with Adam's parents, and little time spent sleeping. Today was a trip to Birmingham which ended in a lengthy visit with Adam's mother and step-father. Tomorrow we will be waking up at the crack of dawn to go visit with Adam's father. We won't get home until late. Very late. And then, on Monday, Adam and I are going to Montgomery (like we were supposed to on Friday), and taking care of Adam's liscence before he goes to work. Have I mentioned how little sleep I'm getting?

Music: R.O.D. the TV (anime)
Mood: Tired, but Okay

Friday Update

Adam has the night off, so he and I are going on a date. We're going out to dinner, and then we're going to come back home and play video games together until we can't stand it any longer. I'm really psyched.

Other than that, the only news I have is that my new computer won't get a new CPU until probably Wednesday or Thursday of next week. I am starting to get seriously pissed about how crappy my new computer is.

I hope everyone has a blessed weekend. I'll post more later.

Music: Baulder's Gate video game music in the background
Mood: Pretty Good

At Last

I'm in a really good mood right now. I just came from a very productive session with Dr. Hart. We made strides with my self esteem problems. I spent alot of the session crying, but I know it was a normal response considering how long I have been struggling with these problems. Dr. Hart and I both agreed that I need to go with the 'don't fear, just do' response to my life. I'll be okay, I always am. I don't need to be afraid of failing anymore, because if I -do- fail all I have to do is keep moving.

Adam took the new computer to be looked at today. They should know what's wrong with it by tomorrow, and then I can probably play Final Fantasy and have my computer back and running by Friday. At latest, Monday or Tuesday.

Tomorrow I am going out to Shelton State to get my classes and stuff taken care of. Apparently, I have an overdue item, so after I take care of that I can get registered for my one class for this summer. I'm going to take an English class, and work full time so that hopefully I will be more accustomed to my lifestyle when Fall semester starts. Hopefully I'll be able to take two classes instead of just one.

Music: Etta James - Come Rain or Come Shine
Mood: Pretty Darn Good

Problems

I'm just not having a good day. Today, I have both lost my job and found out that my new computer's processing unit is fried.

Tomorrow I'm going to start looking for a full time job. Hopefully Wal-mart is in a hiring mood, because I think that will end up being my best bet. They will give me pretty good medical benefits and starting pay is $6.50 an hour. I might do stocking which is over-night and that would give me a $.50 an hour bonus for being over-night. Kenny said I would be the first person they call this summer when they need extra people at the new arcade, but I don't know if I'll feel like working for Namco again. It always had me feeling so stressed when I left.

Lee is coming in from Moundville, to take me out to dinner tonight. I must confess, that makes me feel so special, and like I matter. I hate that I will have to cut our evening short at some point. I need to buy groceries before Adam gets home for lunch at 11 p.m., because I told him I would do that tonight, and I don't want to let him down again.

I guess I need to take my leave now. I hope everyone has a blessed night.

Music: Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip
Mood: Blah

An Apology

I really have to apologize to all my friends that I haven't really been in touch with for the last week. Everyone told me that Final Fantasy XI would be an addictive game, but I didn't really believe them. Here I am almost a week later, and the only time I've really spent not playing Final Fantasy is when I was either sleeping or at work.

On a different note, I'm alot happier right now. I'm not letting myself get stressed over stuff, and I'm trying to meditate everyday like the doctor told me to. Now if I could just get rid of this headache....

Music: None
Mood: Pretty Okay

Lost

I've been so excited about Final Fantasy XI, and now that I have it... I'm in a bit of a funk. I really want to play, but I told Mike I would play on his server. Now I have to wait for him to get home and pick me up a World Pass so that I can play on his server. I played for a little while earlier on a general server, but I didn't really know what I was doing and felt very overwhelmed and confused.

So here I am, battling feelings of funk-ness. I thought that Paxil was supposed to combat this. But here it is, a feeling of unease in my chest, a feeling of tightness in my throat, and a look of perplexed thought on my face.

Where are all my friends to cheer me up?

Music: None
Mood: Sad

New Stuff!

I have a new computer! Well, Adam and I do.

And I can play Final Fantasy XI right after I get a new sound card, because apparently this computer didn't come with one. Stupid cheap computers. I hate knock off stuff. That reminds me. I need to make a System Restore disk. Cause otherwise, I'll be SOL if this computer goes down like my last one did.

Music: None - this computer doesn't have a sound card
Mood: Pretty darn good

Sewer Kitties

There is a herd of cats living in the sewers in front of my apartment. Other than that, I don't have much news.

I am so freaking excited about the possibility of getting a computer that I can play Final Fantasy XI on. It's been a really long time since I've been this excited about a game. It will probably be Saturday or Sunday before I actually get to start playing it, but I'm still so filled with anticipation that I almost can't sit still!

I've already decided I want to be a Hume female, and my name will be Liadan (LEE a dan) which means 'grey lady'. My job will most likely be either black or red mage, thought I may pick up dark knight as my job later on.

Adam and I are going to leave the apartment around 10:30 so that we get to the sale when they open, and hopefully we'll end up leaving satisfied and happy. I'm hoping that we get a desktop that will handle most of the new games coming out, a laptop for me for school (and a little playing), and maybe a couple of games for the computer/xbox/gamecube. We'll have to leave by 3:30 however so that we make it home in time for Adam and I to both go to work at 5.

Music: None
Mood: Pretty Great

Apathy

Today it hit me. I am apathetic to almost everything. I really don't care anymore. Welcome to Mer on Paxil everbody! This may be a long ride. I still care (a little) about stuff that is important to me, like eating cause I know I need to live, and going to work, and my cat. Other than that.... I feel, well, nothing really. It's like that wealth of love and happiness and caring is just gone.

I don't think this is necessarily the medication for me. If nothing else, I will not allow my dosage to be upped in May.

Music: Crossfade - Cold
Mood: Apathetic

I'm Not Sorry

I've been listening to a new song. Crossfade's 'Cold' lyrics:

Looking back at me,
I see that i never really got it right,
I never stop to think of you.
I'm always wrapped up in things i can not win

You are the antidote that gets me by,
something strong like a drug that gets me high.

[Chorus]
What i really meant to say,
is i'm sorry for the way, i am.
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold

What i really meant to say,
is i'm sorry for the way, i am.
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so...

Cold to you, i'm sorry about all the lies
maybe in a different light,
you could see me stand on my own again,
cause now i can see me.

You are the antidote that got me by,
something strong like a drug that got me high.

Chorus

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see,
the screwed up side of me that i keep,
locked inside of me so deep,
it always seems to get to me,
i never really wanted you to go
,so many things you should have known,
i guess for me there's just no hope.
I never meant to be so cold.

Chorus


And after hearing this song, I've realized that I'm not sorry for who I am. If people don't like me for who I am, that's fine with me. They don't have to like me. The only person who has to like me is Me. In ways, I really identify with parts of the verses. I feel bad that I am often wrapped up in other things, and I know I don't always get things right. I have lied. I have decieved and manipulated. I don't like that side of myself, but it's still part of me. I've had to take time to accept it, and I refuse to apologize to anyone for it.

Music: Crossfade - Cold
Mood: Bitchy

Computer Soft-where?

Well, my day pretty much sucked. I've felt the need to throw up and had a headache all day long. I took a nap in the hopes that it would help my headache, but that was a false hope. Now I'm just wondering where the heck my Microsoft Office 2003 disk is so that I can get started on that silly MS Office class again. It's kind of hard to do the class without the program. And MS Office 2000 just won't cut it.There is too much junk on this computer. Every time I turn around, I realize there's one more thing I need to re-install. Drat! I just remembered I still haven't installed my scanner software. Curses! I hate computer viruses.

Once I get this thing back to where it was before, I am burning a CD with all the install programs for things like AIM, DeadAIM, LimeWire, Winamp, ect. ect., and tossing my burned CD along with all the other CD's I need (ie MS Office, Windows XP, Printer Drivers, Scanner Drivers, MP3 player softerware, modem drivers) into ONE box. And that is where they will all stay for the rest of eternity. This whole 'scavenging for my "must have" programs' thing has got to go.

Music: again, a CD
Mood: a bit ticked

Hoping for Sunday

Tonight was another long night at work. I will be so glad for Sunday off.

My apartment will be the focus of alot of my attentions tomorrow. Well, my apartment and making sure I get a chance to talk to Ahmad online for a change. Right now, I am sitting and typing. I am enjoying the innocence and quiet noises that come with my cat exploring Adam's room.

'Sin City' ended up being a very well done movie, but for me, it was a complete mind job. I am still unsure wether I want to cry or throw up because of parts of that movie. It will fade in time. 'Sin City' wasn't nearly as bad a mind job as 'Butterfly Effect'. 'Butterfly Effect' gave me nightmares for months. Part of me wants to see 'Sin City' again, so that I can enjoy the movie without being brought to the brink of some of my emotional boundaries. I partially blame 'Sin City' for the past two days. Mind jobs like that leave me feeling out of sorts, and I end up creating ripples of that for days.

On a completely different note, I've been thinking about Melissa lately. Melissa is the best friend I've known since kindergarten. I love her like a sister, and hope that I grow up to be half the woman she is. I've been thinking about her because I miss her friendship. I miss knowing I'm understood and knowing that when someone says 'I'll be there for you', they mean it. Melissa has always been there for me. When I've called on her, she comes out fighting and fiery to my defense. I have very few female friends in life. Melissa is one that is worth fighting for.

Music: Bach playing from my CD player
Mood: Weird

Unhappy Friday.

I had an odd night last night. I'm hoping that severe truthfulness, spaz attacks about my keys, and lack of appetite are not side effects of my medication.

What the hell is wrong with me?? Il mio amore non è un giocattolo da giocare con!

I'm a little less confused about the men in my life, but no less confused about what to do about them. I feel bad for not wanting to do anything with Lee last night, but after the night I'd had, I really couldn't fathom going anywhere but home.

Mike possède un coeur doux. He let me spaz to him about my keys, and various other subjects including but not limited to: my confusion over males, Jer in general, my almost car wreck, and my lack of eating. I am lucky to have friends that really care about me and what is going on in my life.

Music: None
Mood: Wonky

Dr.Phil

I don't feel good. It's a side effect of my new medication. I feel vaguely like I'm going to be sick, but at the same time, kind of fuzzy. I know this will wear off after a couple of weeks, but who wants a couple of weeks of this? I hope that the actual effect of the medication starts in the next couple of days. That would be great.

Sin City left me feeling slightly disturbed. I feel like I need a milkshake and a good laugh. It was like watching a live Frank Miller graphic novel. All in all, I think it was a well done, highly stylized movie. It isn't for everyone, but the ones who like it will love it!

Music: Dr. Phil off in the background somewhere
Mood: Meh

Quickie

Quick post before I need to go.

I'm about to leave to go see 'Sin City' before work at four. I ended up getting like 10 hours of sleep last night, and getting up at a decent hour today. I've been so excited about 'Sin City', and so I'm hoping it will be good.

Mature Adult Status: so far, so good

Music: The Servant - Cells
Mood: Good