Happy Thursday!

I've had an odd, but good day.

I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to go do the token count at 7 a.m. I was there until nine, when I went to the doctor's office for my 10:15 a.m. appointment. The doctor saw me at like 9:20, so I got out at about 9:45. This is the fastest this doctor has ever seen me. The last time my appointment was at 3 p.m., I got there early, and I still left at 5:30 p.m. So, Dr. Anne wrote me a perscription for me for Paxil, and I went and got it filled. Adam and I had lunch at a BBQ joint, and it was fantastic. I love BBQ.

After I got home, I took a nap. A blissfilled two hour long nap. When I woke up, I picked up around the apartment a little. Then Adam and I went to Wal-mart to buy some more cleaning supplies, and such. Adam ended up picking up a new 5 Megapixel digital camera, and I picked up Baulder's Gate: Dark Alliance 2 for the Xbox. Then we went out to dinner and talked about Xbox 2, Playstation 3/PSX, and then we spent time talking about the Nintento DS vs. the PSP debate. I feel like such a blasphemer since I am actually liking the PSP better so far in this wave of handhelds. Now that I'm home, I'm avoiding loading Microsoft Office 2003 on my computer. Once I load it, I have to actually do all the work for my class. I think I'll leave that for Saturday.

Right now, Adam is mounting his two Lord Of The Rings replica swords onto the wall in the dining room. I'm so happy he's been putting up shelves and putting stuff out on display. It means that this junk (yeah, I know, my dragons fall into this catagory too) isn't being left on tables, desks, and any other flat surface in the apartment.

I think it's time to clean off the desk some, and work on cleaning my room a bit more. I am really hoping to get the apartment cleaned soon, and get rid of a whole bunch of books I don't need or want. On a related note about books, I'm only going to take one class this summer. I think the small class load will do me good while I continue to adjust to having to work to support myself.

Music: The Servant - Orchestra (it was on my mp3 player when the computer crashed)
Mood: Pretty Darn Good

Spaz Attack

My computer died last night. It died, and took my book, my pictures, and all the work on my MS Office class with it.

I had to wipe it clean three times before I could finally install Windows XP, because no one should have to run on Windows ME. I'm just getting AIM, limewire, and my anti-virus programs again tonight.

Today was... interesting. I had an appointment with Dr. Hart again, and it went well. He diagnosed me as having Chronic Depression, though he agrees that I am not in a depression right now. He also gave a positive second opinion of Dr. Anne's diagnosis of Adjustment disorder with anxiety. I go in tomorrow to Dr. Anne's office again so that she can put me on anti-anxiety medication. Anyone who knows me, knows my great loathing of 'over-medicating' patients, so I am not concerned that I will over-medicated. If for no other reason than, if I don't like it, I will take myself off of it. After seeing the doctor, I went with Adam to get comics and my second dragon.

My Dragon

We ended up going to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, which was a mistake because I still feel ill. After that, he took me to go see 'Robots'. It was cute, or at least what I saw of it was. I missed the last ten minutes because my lack of sleep finally caught up to me. I got four and a half hours night before last, and three and a half last night. I need more sleep, and less days that I open. I have to go in to work tomorrow at 7 a.m. I hate my manager right now. I hate him with a blinding passion.

However, sleep and a warm comfy bed are calling me. I think I should go inquire about what they are selling.

Music: None, cause my computer ate it all
Mood: Tired

Confusion?

I miss Ahmad. I need his advice and his smiles. He amazes me all the time. Ahmad is always willing to take time out of his day and life to talk to me about things that are of no importance to him. I value this greatly because it makes me feel like someone actually gives a damn about whatever is bothering me. I know he care about me with no alterior motives, and is always willing to lend me an ear. I could really use that right now, but I know he's got work and school. I can so understand that!

I am confused, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing my friendship with one friend, and suprizingly, friendship is all I want from him right now. I am more confused by a different friend of mine though. He plagues my mind, and makes me smile while he slowly continues to break my heart. I am by no means in love with him, but he's become special to me. Slowly over almost a year of knowing him, he's found a way to break past so many barriers I've put up to protect myself. He makes me feel vulnerable, but in a good way. In a way that makes me want to let him into my life farther, and personally... that scares the hell out of me.

"You've got to take your mind off him
But not with aspirins
You won't
You won't let your family in...

When you don't know what you want
You end up finding that you haunt your own,
Your own life."

This song has so much meaning for me right now. I try so hard to hold onto the past, and what I want for my future. I feel like I'm changing so fast, too fast. I can almost feel myself growing into the woman I've wanted to be, but leaving the girl I was finally starting to love behind. I've found a future job I want and will actually enjoy. I am happy with what I'm majoring in. I'm school hunting. I'm... happy. Did I really ever think I would be? I've spent so long feeling older than I am, like I had too many responsibilities and not enough resources. Now, I'm beginning to feel like I have the right resources, and I feel like I'm allowed to enjoy life. What brought this on? No idea. I will just try to take life as it comes at me.

Music: Evanescence - My Immortal
Mood: Contemplative

Pants

BrokenWolf3: i am not buying food without pants!
Hayate Kusanagi: So not necessary.

Pants are necessary for buying food. I don't care if apparently almost every one of my guy friends think that the general public wants me to go outside without pants on. I like pants!

Music: The Servant - Body
Mood: Amused

Huh

I feel fragmented and lost. Confusion is trying to take a foot hold in my life and psyche, but I keep fighting.

I will continue fighting, but it is my fight and I will not share it.

Music: The Servant - Body
Mood: Confused, Lost, and Vulnerable

Being Me

I am so confused. I feel a touch heartbroken and vulnerable, and at the same time, I feel freed and in a sense... special.

I don't want to explain everything. It's still too personal, and.... newly.... something. I don't know. I've been so confused about myself and about my life that I just want to make sure this isn't something I've just... made up in my head. I don't think it is. It's too... okay for me to have concocted this. For once, I am very honestly okay with how I feel. And I am happy to say that, wether or not something comes of this, I will still be happy.

Wow. Okay, now I sound like a sappy dork. And sappy is the furthest thing from my mind. I feel... like me.

Music: Chantel Can't-Spell-Her-Last-Name - Feels Like Home
Mood: Normal ^_^

Happy Freaking Easter

I will keep this short, since I would rather not say anything I will regret later.

In spite of others wanting to hurt me because I've hurt them, I've taken worse than anything you can give, and I still stand unbroken.

In spite of others thinking I am a warm and caring person, you've forced my hand to ice and stone, and you won't change my decisions.

In spite of others mourning a past they can't change, I'm moving on because I have to.

I do not do any of this out of spite, but because it is what I have to do. My hand has been forced too many times. Either you want my friendship, and you will take it on my terms, or you don't want me in your life. Feel free to pick one and let me know. If you don't, I will assume that you can't be bothered to follow the rules, and you don't wish to know me any longer.

You grieve enough for both of us. I don't care if you say it can't change over-night. I have given you long enough.

Music: The Servant - Cells
Mood: Steel

Small Talk

In the past month, I've been through a very hard time with one of my friends. He tells me that he understands that it was as emotionally trying for me as it was for him. His actions however, speak differently.

The other day he accused me of only having 'small talk' with him anymore. I was floored and thought to myself 'of course we only have small talk anymore. This is the time to heal.' But does he really want time to heal? I'm inclined to think he doesn't, because he constantly brings up this ordeal we've been through in our friendship. This is the kind of thing you need months of emotional healing time to recover from. Months. I would say that most likely it will be six months before he and I can speak about this ordeal. I want to talk to him and continue to be a part of his life. However, we have to talk about safe subjects until we can handle the harder.

Why can't he understand this? I love him and want to continue to be a part of his life, but it has to be a part that we can each live with!

Music: The Servant - Orchesta
Mood: Hurt

Blog Post #154

Dear Small Child Humming in the Bathroom Stall Next to Me,

I know you must be enjoying your butchering of the Pop classic, 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time,' but I must protest! I, too, felt the need to escape to the solace of the local Wal-mart restrooms. Wal-mart, Inc., already plays a variety of Pop music over it's loud speaker system, and currently, even they are not playing Ms. Spear's shockingly bad song. I hope that you are not offended at my plea, but I cannot take one more second of your annoyingly chipper humming!

Sincerely,
Annoyed Adult Type Person In the Bathroom Stall Next To You

Music: Papa Roach - Getting Away With Murder
Mood: Okay

Mental Note

I agree with Mary....

Beware the Ides of March!

(Cause they totally kicked my ass.)


Music: Same
Mood: Slightly less Stressed

Scars

*"I tear myself open, I sew myself shut..."

Why am I always the one ripping myself apart? I like myself more than this. Why am I always so hard on myself? I can remember almost every single negative thing people have said about me since I was 14, but I can remember maybe five or six complements. I keep trying to build myself up. I keep telling myself I'm a decent human being who makes her friends laugh occasionally and who tries so hard to be a good friend.

"My problem is, that I care too much..."

I keep trying to be the 'go to' friend for all my friends. I can't do that for all my friends. Heck, in all reality, I can't do that for most of my friends. I can only have maybe two or three people vent to me everyday. I probably have around 6. Now, I can handle Mike worrying that his character is doing something morally wrong. And I can handle Angela telling me that Hiram is a totally jackass for yelling at her. But that's it for today. No one else can yell at me, bitch to me, or otherwise upset me. I can only take so much "upsetting" before my blood pressure spikes and I have a heart attack and die. I care about and love all my friends so much, but I stopped taking time for myself. I need time to just be me, do some yoga, take a couple deep breaths, and say 'yeah, I care about me too'.

"Our scars remind us, that the past is real..."

Without the scars I bear, I don't know if I could convince myself that the hell I once lived in was real. The scars on my wrists, the scars in my mind, and the scars on my heart. I am amazed daily that the damned thing still beats with as many scars as there are criss-crossing it.

*The lyrics are from 'Scars' by Papa Roach

Music: The Servant - Cells
Mood: Stressed

Worried

I haven't heard from my friend Ahmad in over a week. Neither have any of the other mutual friends we have. I am desperatly praying that something bad hadn't happened to him.

Ahmad, where are you? Are you okay? Call me. Please.

Music: Maroon 5 - Shiver
Mood: Worried

Peace of Mind

It felt good to turn down extra hours at Diamond Jim's for tonight. I woulnd't have another day off until, at the earliest, Friday. I know that my stress level is extremely high right now, and I don't need to add another night of work to it. I don't need to add that especially since work is one of the things that stresses me out so much.

Today I went with Adam to Birmingham. We picked up comics, and I got the Water Clan Dragon out of 'McFarlane's Dragons: Quest for the Lost King' figure series.

http://www.spawn.com/toys/horror/dragons/water/images/dragons_water_photo_01_dp.jpg

I plan on getting the entire series, which is five normal figures and one deluxe bosed set figure. Surprizingly enough, this figure of the Water Clan Dragon brings me a great amount of joy and pleasure. I hope that I can afford to get a second dragon soon.

Music: 3 Doors Down - Don't Know Who I Am
Mood: Okay

Blackmail

Hurt me
Slice me
Break me
Burn me
If it meant one second of reprieve for you
I'd take all your pain on myself

Do you know the textbook definition of Emotional Blackmail? I do. It is any words or actions designed to evoke guilt or pain in another individual in order to force them to your own way of thought or feeling.

Music: The Servant - Body
Mood: Blackmailed and Blackmailing

Clarity

As I sat in front of my computer with large, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, Lee told me something I really needed to hear.

Hayate Kusanagi: I believe in you.

When was the last time someone said that to me? I can't even remember. I'm sure other people think it and feel it, but not many people say it.

He also said this:

Hayate Kusanagi: You remember the shield conversation?
Hayate Kusanagi: It was one of your twisted metaphors. *grins*
Hayate Kusanagi: It was when I wasn't willing to let anyone inside my head.
Hayate Kusanagi: You said simply that if I'd let down my defenses on myself your "shield" would take over.
Hayate Kusanagi: Well think of it like this.
Hayate Kusanagi: In your concern for keeping me safe, you're not defending yourself well. You're so worried about me getting hurt, that you're taking it all.
Hayate Kusanagi: *he smirks* Sweetie, I'm wearing full plate. I can take some abuse. Don't worry about me.

Am I really spending so much time caring for and "protecting" my friends that I'm forgetting that I need care and protection as well? Something to think about before I lull myself to sleep with thoughts of oblivion and darkness.

Music: The Servant - Orchestra
Mood: Numb

Heartache

Is there a cure for heartache? I sincerely hope there is. I feel like my heart is being ripped into little peices before my eyes. I know I am only making myself feel worse by listening to 'Whiskey Lullaby'. Mostly because of this verse:

"The Rumors flew
But nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years
She tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night....
She put the bottle to her head and pulled the trigger..."

That is how I feel right now. I want oblivion. I want solace. I just want the pain to end. How is it that I hurt so many of the people in my life? Am I just special that way? Is this some sick cosmic joke? Jason, Jer, Adam, Lee. I keep trying to push everyone away and all I end up doing is hurting them. And hurting myself.

Music: Brad Paisley ft. Allison Krauss - Whiskey Lullaby
Mood: Heartbroken, Grieving, and Torn

Hard Work/Small Pay

Okay, my job really isn't that taxing in the physical sense. My job is super stressful in the emotional and mental sense. Too much noise, too many children. However, today I got my pay check. Ended up, I got paid more than I thought I would. Even with my hours getting cut, I think I'll make this month okay.

I've been dancing lately as my cardio work out for the past couple of days. Today, it's back to bellydancing though. I get too emotionally involved in the dancing if I let myself. Bellydancing is safer for my sanity. My passion for life just seems to show itself in odd ways these day.

Too much has gone on as of late. I don't think anyone has told Gordon about the fact that we're closing. I feel kinda bad cause I know he needs to know, but I'll be damned if I'm going to tell him. He's already blaming me for the Soul Calibur II lock out, and the last thing I need is to be blamed for closing our store location.

The emotion that 'Cells' by The Servant evokes is one that leaves me feeling purged of all those negative emotions. The beat and the chords makes me lose myself for a few minutes. I know that several people perfer the intsrumental version of the song used in the 'Sin City' trailer, but I perfer the album version. I also like 'Orchestra' by The Servant.

"There's an orchestra in me
Playing endlessly
I even hear it now
They play in the Devil's key
an endless symphony
I even hear it now
Listen to the music
Beautiful music
Listen to the music
Beautiful music"

The song's musical quality is awesome! I am really impressed by this band, and I rarely say that.

Music: The Servant - Orchestra
Mood: Pretty Darn Good

Mike on the Phone

I was talking to my friend Mike on the phone the other night after he got out of the shower. Still clad in a bath towel, he said "I should really put something on."

I replied, "What? Like clothes?"

His reply: "No."

I spent the next five full minutes laughing. It was the happiest I think I'd been all week. Or at least the most amused.

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber - Judas's Death
Mood: Amused

Recent Pictures

Here are some recent pictures I finally took...

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y76/SweetestSiren/PrettyMer.jpg

That's me on the phone with Mike.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y76/SweetestSiren/SillyMer.jpg

That's me being a dork while on the phone with Mike.

Enjoy!

Music: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Mood: Much Better

Deep Blue Funk

After a less than stellar evening, I tried to turn to one of my favorite pasttimes as a source of comfort. I use roleplaying, especially at my mutant rpg site, as a means of escape from my life. It is, however, extremely hard to escape when I can't get anyone to play with me!

I don't blame my friends for this. I know they have other stuff to do, and lives away from the computer. It's just a bit frustrating when all I want to do is sit on Dreamcatcher's at two in the morning and play around with my character, and there's no one for her to talk to. I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I know I am. However, I am out of chocolate covered pretzels, and I can't take another dose of Midol for an hour and a half yet.

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber - I'd Only Like To Say
Mood: Bitchy

Silly Mer

I am so stressed right now. I tried to start a Tai Chi work out, but it just made me want to cry. I got called by Hiram tonight to go and work at his arcade for the 4 to close shift. I went and worked it, and didn't know where anything was or how to do most of the things they do over there. I was really stressed.

I'm not going to answer my cell phone tomorrow if it's Cyberstation or Hiram/Diamond Jim's. I need a day off. I need some me time. I need a freaking chill pill.

Music: None
Mood: Stressed and Pissy

Three Day Weekend

Welcome to Assistant Manager heaven! I have a three day weekend!

Alot has happened at work in a short time period. Yesterday I found out that instead of my off days being all spread out this time, they are all together in what I will treat as a mini vacation.

Today, Dan, my store's regional manager, came into town. He spent the day at the McFarland Mall arcade. (I work in the University Mall arcade.) Dan fired Wes (a guy working at the MFA), and then told Kenny, my manager, Namco's plans for Tuscaloosa.

The bad news first: Namco is closing the University Mall arcade. The other arcade is larger, and has made more money for the last quarter. Namco is consolidating their priorities by only having one arcade open in the Tuscaloosa, AL area.

The good news: Kenny is being transfered over there as the Manager, and he is being allowed to take whatever person he wants to with him from our store. He told me today that he's taking me. Hiram, the current manager at the McFarland location, is going to be assistant manager. However, Kenny will do everything he can to make sure I don't take a cut in pay. So, in other words, I will be getting assistant manager pay without all those pesky assistant manager duties.

Let's hear it for pseudo-good news, in the face of bad news! Yay!

On the down side, I've had a headache all day, and now I have to fill out stupid questionaire thingys for my doctor about my behavior and feelings. I think I'm going to be in pain and bored tonight.

Music: Brad Paisley - The Little Things
Mood: Pretty Okay

Tuesday

Please let me take a moment to vent about one of my co-workers. Gordon didn't call in today. He was supposed to come in at 3 p.m. so that I could leave, and then he would work until close at 9 p.m. He never showed up. He never called. This is the second time he's just... disapeared. It drives me nuts.

People depend on you to show up to your job when you are scheduled to be there. I had to call Angela in to work on her day off. I got off from work about an hour and fifteen minutes late. I have a doctor's appointment on Thrusday. I need someone who I can depend on to come to work on time so that I can make it to doctor's appointments, and classes, and other "time based" things.

Dallas (an aquaintance of mine) called the arcade before I left and said that Rachel, Gordon's girlfriend, told me at school today that Gordon was sick. That's all fine and well. If Gordon had called me at say 2 or 3 p.m. to tell me that, I would have called Angela in and I wouldn't be pissed. However, just because someone else says he's sick, doesn't mean he is. I've been burned enough times at this job so far by him, that my first inclination is to not believe him or his girlfriend.

To complicate things, Angela told me that her boyfriend, Hiram (the other arcade's manager) went on Sunday and had a talk with Gordon. Apparently, Hiram told Gordon that for all Gordon's saying how he loves his job, he's doing a really bad job at it. Hiram also told Gordon that he needed to get onto the good side of his managers (ie. me and Kenny). This makes for a very interesting turn of events considering Kenny and I just locked all non-managers out of Soul Calibur II (Gordon's favorite video game). I'm not sure if he knows this yet, or if it will be a not-so-pleasant surprize the next time he comes to work. That is, if Kenny doesn't fire him for not showing up (again).

On a different note, Adam won second place in the Killian's St. Patrick's Day give away. Killian's is his favorite beer, and he got bunches of St. Patrick's Day stuff, but no beer. He got a t-shirt that says "O'fficial Party Animal", a St. Patrick's Day hat, a green "O'fficial Party Animal" sash, a Killian's St. Patrick's Day boutineer, and a light up St. Patrick's Day pin. I'm happy for him, and that puts me in a bit of a better mood. I've been feeling bitchy for two days now. I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with me on a daily basis.

Music: Nickelback - Throw Yourself Away
Mood: Starting to Feel Better

Mer's To Do List

I feel like I never get all of my to-do list done. Here is my to-to list from yesterday (in no particular order):

• laundry
• pick up trash in my room
• dishes
• pick up living room
• balance check book
• finish Project 2 homework
• Tai Chi
• get groceries
• get gas
• take relaxing bubble bath
• dinner
• blog entries
• store deposits
• clean out fridge
• take out trash
• vaccum
• meditate on not being bitchy
• load of laundry #2
• call Marianne about Sunday
• stop checking out the guy in the green hat
• give Angela 'Sleeping Beauty' Anne Rice book

Now, only about seven of these things got done yesterday. I really don't like that, and though I am doing them today, that's one day less that I have to myself.

Music: Nine Inch Nails - Perfect Drug
Mood: Meh

A Couple Days of Silence

Friday I went out with my friend Marianne, and we had a girl's night out. We saw 'Hitch' and 'Constantine', and we did alot of talking. I adore her, and am glad to have a friend like Marianne.

Last night I went out to see 'Hostage' with Adam. I was going to go see it with a different friend of mine here in town, but they canceled at the last minute. 'Hostage' rocked. I loved it, and thought that Bruce Willis did wonderfully. The acting was superb from all the characters, and the movie was overall edited, put together, and "music-ed" (scored for those of you in the know) very well. This will definately be a DVD buy for me.

In other news, my distance education class is coming along swimmingly. I'm on project 3 in the Microsoft Word section, which means I'm almost finished. However, as far as school goes, I am looking into taking two classes next semester, with the hopes that I will only have to go to campus once or twice a week. I'm thinking about taking Intro to Psych and English Comp 2. Then there is the very large possibility that I will be going to the University of Alabama in the fall. If not in the fall, then I will be going in Spring of 2006. Italian class, here I come!

Other than that, I was left in charge at the arcade this weekend because Kenny (the manager) was out of town. I got called up to the arcade several times because the token machines kept breaking down, and then I had to do the deposits yesterday morning and last night. However, today, I am enjoying my day off. Gordon hasn't called me once, so I can only assume that the machines aren't giving him nearly as hard a time as they gave Angela.

Music: Dream - Home
Mood: Pretty Okay

Blog

I don't know if I ever gave a reason for this blog. It was started in August of last year, because I was dealing with alot of emotional problems. I've always expressed my emoitons better on paper (or in this case on computer screen), and so I finally broke down and got a blog.

For a while, the freedom to express my feelings without rejection or self imposed editing was great. However, a now administrator removed comment made me forget why I started this.

So I guess what I'm giving this post for is this. To those of you who don't like my methods, who don't like the "un-edited" version of Meredith.

Fuck you too.

Music: Hans Zimmer - A Small Measure of Peace
Mood: Self Posessed.

Heart Like Ice

"Look into my eyes, child, that you may glimpse into my past." ~From The Fallen, a short story by Faith Morrison

I do not remember most of my freshman or sophmore years of high school. I am told that the mind supresses things that it is incapable of handling. The memories I do retain are all like a movie, seen once, and remembered. They are distant. It is almost as if I didn't live them, but I am cursed with remembering the pain they held.

In those two years, I learned the art of divorcing yourself from emotion. It is a way of hiding your true emotions, and funneling their "power" into other, less powerful activities of the mind. I perfected this art as I hid my depression and utter self hatred from my friends and family. I believed that if they didn't worry about me, I couldn't hurt them. It was a defense mechanism. I still do it to this day. It makes me seem as if I have little to no emotion, and many people like that in "crisis situations". Does it mean I feel the pain any less? Hell no. If anything, I internalize the pain, and feel it more acutely then most people.

The depths of pain those two year put me through are the kind of pain and emotional turmoil only matched by rape victims and other victims of domestic violence. A pyschologist once told my mother that the range of my empathy was "staggering", and that he was amazed that I got through my teenage years, especially with my past, without turning to alcohol, drugs, or sex. If I was that strong emotionally then, think how strong I am now. I've only had years to perfect it.

Music: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby
Mood: Cold Steel and Burning Ice

And On That Note

I should explain my post's Title. "Freedom's Chains."

A realization struck me, as they often have in all of this growing up and being a responsible adult business, that more chains have a hold on me now than they ever did when I lived with Mom and Dad. Each chain has a name, or a place, or some desire blazened onto each of it's links. There is one for my apartment lease. One for the money I owe the library. One for the independent study class I'm taking. One for my friend Lee. One for, well, everything. I'm positive my job has several chains on me because of the responsibility and such that is involved with it. However, it also struck me that I do not mind being chained to my life. I rather like my life. I have good friends, and have God's love constantly shining down on me. What more do I need? Wait! Tokyo, my cat! She loves me too, even if she sometimes has a funny way of showing it (like when she tries to run away).

Back to the subject at hand. Even with all these things that tie me down, I am still happy. Very happy, overall.

Music: Leann Rhimes - Nothin' 'Bout Love Makes Sense
Mood: Contemplative

"How are you doing?"

I'll tell you how I'm doing! My apartment is filled with water because the idiots in the apartment above me left their kitchen sink running. My truck needs gas, and I need money. I left my digital puppy at work for less than two hours, but it came back to me sick. And to top it all off, I'm still in a horrible mood.

I spent seventy dollars today on the book I was supposed to purchase at the beginning of the semester for my independent study class. It's a computer class. I finally started on it tonight, only to realize that the book is written in Idiot. So, first I have to translate what it's saying so that I can understand it (seeing as I am at least somewhat computer literate). Then I have to figure out how to do it on the computer. Mostly, I know how to do all this stuff, it's just figuring out how they want me to show them I know how to. However, the upside is that I got a free copy of Microsoft Office 2003 with my book.

Enough of this. I'm going to go and play with my digital puppy and eat cheetos.

Music: Android Lust - Refuge
Mood: Not Great

Lies

I feel sick. I feel like I just kicked a puppy and laughed. I knowingly have hurt one of my best friends. This is one of the times that when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I really don't like who I am.

Music: NIN - Terrible Lie
Mood: Pained

And Now Back to Reality...

There are times when I truely wonder if my life isn't just a comedy of errors in some higher being's dream. We have had our double shifts taken away at work for the month of May. This means that everyone's hours are getting cut. Vastly, drastically cut. I work, on average, three days a week. At this rate, I'm going to need a second job. I'd use "unladylike language", but I'm in the computer lab.

I will offically have working internet in my apartment as of Monday! I am SO happy!

Tomorrow, I am going with Adam to Columbiana and Montgomery so that he can take care of his driver's lisence problems. Then, we're going to pick up comics in Vestavia Hills. And the day is being finished off by going to the Japanese steak house Stix for dinner with Adam's mother and step-father. It's a birthday dinner from Adam's mom. I felt really special that she remembered, even if it is a tad late.

Music: None
Mood: Pretty Good