Concert

I went to the Sister Hazel concert at the university last night! It rocked so much!!

Adam stayed home from work yesterday because his back was still bothering him. I hate the thought of him moving fifty pounds or more per box off of that belt onto the ground. So when 7 p.m. came around, his back was feeling slightly better and he went with me to the concert. The opening act was a black rap group from Atlanta called Trillville. Haven't heard of them? Me neither. Adam and I spent the time of Trillville's set buying the new Sister Hazel CD, a Sister Hazel T-shirt, and a couple of cokes. We sat inside the Ferguson Center until Trillville's set was over, then moved to leaning against a piller at the Presidential Pavillion and waited for Sister Hazel to take the stage. We waved at the drum tech when he did the sound check on the drums; he'd sat and talked with us earlier. Sister Hazel was awesome once they got out on stage. They shot the shit with the crowd and just hung out, but at the same time put on an awesome show! They played all my favorites and two songs from their new album as well. I didn't know that 'Your Winter' (one of my absolute favorites) was written right here in Tuscaloosa. Adam recorded several songs with his phone to possibly use as ringtones. None recorded well enough to use, but it's pretty cool none the less. It was magical. Adam stood behind me and hooked his right arm around my shoulders and we held hands, while he had his thumb hooked in my back pocket of my pants. I wore his favorite tank top of mine and one of his button up shirts. We left and came home and talked while listening to the new Sister Hazel CD.

New Favorite Song

I hate when my friends have problems with each other. It usually puts me in the middle, and that's one place I'm tired of being.

Anyways.... New favorite song of the moment!

Sister Hazel - Surrender

On the plane to Amsterdam
I left the carnage on the ground
In your seat was emptiness
So heavy, we could barely ride it down

And every color since I walked away
Looks to me like every shade of wrong

But now I'm on the way back
Chasing something better
And it's turning me around
Baby if you still care
If there's still a burning ember
I'm ready to surrender now

The illness of my galaxy
Made you revolve around my world
But I cast myself as the brightest start
Falling further from the girl

All the things I thought were made of gold
Turned out to be every shade of wrong
Chorus

I left the promise bleeding
Cold and barely breathing
Can you still hold on
Chorus

Ready to surrender
I'm ready to surrender


I like this song because it's got catchy music and it speaks to me about not always knowing the right choice. I've done that a couple of times. I used to think I shouldn't have ever broken up with Chase, the first boyfriend I really truely cared about. But in the years that have passed since our relationship, I now know that it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. Adam is who I've fallen for, and I'm not getting back up any time soon.

Week Wrap-Up

Okay, well I've waited the entire week to actually say things about my classes. I wanted an entire week to spend time with my teachers and classmates before I gave my impressions. My public speaking class, which is MWF at 11, is pretty nice. I only know one person in there, but I made a couple more friends by today. The teacher has an issue with me since I'm an LD student, but he'll just have to deal. It's not like he can give a a lesser grade than I deserve just cause he's been burned by an LD student before. However, he seems to have less of an issue with me now, because I haven't given him any trouble and I participate in class. I hope that this continues. My English class is MW at 1:45. I think the teacher is wonderful; he is an engaging speaker and enjoys the material he teaches. I love poetry and drama, which is what we'll spend the bulk of the semester focusing on. I have Finite Mathmatics at 11 on TTh, which I have no great love for. The material isn't too hard, but doing the homework isn't that fun. And my last class to talk about it my General Psychology class. I adore my teacher. He reminds me of Daddy. They have the same sense of humor. The class covers material I have an interest in and enjoy. Hopefully, with a little work, I will make all A's this semester.

Tonight I'll most likely be going over to Lee's dorm and spending a good bit of the evening with him. I'm so glad to have a good friend to just "hang out" with. Of course, tonight a good bit of our 'hanging out time' will be spend doing homework, but even company doing homework is nice.

Silly Girl

Sometimes I wish I could just kick myself! Here I am feeling attracted to someone that I totally shouldn't feel attracted to. And it's someone that no one would suspect!

Now, don't get me wrong. I am still in love with Adam. But occasionally I become temporarily infatuated with people. And here I go again, becoming infatuated when I really wish I could just turn my stupid little flirty side off! Now I'm letting myself become angry. This isn't my fault. This isn't his fault. No, I'm not telling him. I'm not going to mess up a perfectly good friendship up cause I'm infatuated with someone who has NO interest in me.

I'll just go back to being boring old me now.

Craft Queen

I must confess! I am a craft addict.

I crochet, cross stitch, macrame, scrapbook, and sew. You'd think that I would be all crafted out. Yet, there I was at Wal-Mart at 11:30 at night looking for a new cross stitch project now that I've finished Lee's dorm warming gift. Now, let me clue you in on a few things. Scrapbooking is a hobby that never ends. The pictures keep piling up and you will never be finished. I love it, but it eats up tons of time. I rarely macrame right now. I am crocheting both a Christmas blanket and a scarf. I have an unfinished cross stitch in progress (5 inches by 7 inches in size), and three more I haven't started yet. I don't need ANYTHING more to do.

So I'm in Wal-Mart (the one in Northport aka the one Adam doesn't work at), after checking to see if they had gotten any new Transformers (they didn't) and I wander over to the craft section. I promptly find about 5 more projects I'd like to do. There is one with a pair of male hands put together in prayer with an infant leaning it's head on them. The caption reads 'Pray without ceasing.' There is one with three humming birds. There is one with the japanese character for 'Good Fortune.' And the fourth one made me think of Mike. It was a Gacia (yes, I know I probably butchered the spelling) Girl with a very pretty face. That one makes two different patterns I've found for the same thing. Which means I would be able to pair them together. My dining room has an asian theme to it. Adam's katanas are displayed in there, as well as my hand painted Japanese wall scrolls. It is a beautiful theme that Adam and I are both happy with. It's also the only theme for any room that we have agreed on.

The last cross stitch project I found would complement two of the not yet started projects I have. It is a pair of wolves on the hunt. One has a lone wolf surrounded by a native american type dreamcatcher, and the other is three wolves resting by a pond. Now the reason I am collecting so many projects with the same theme is because both Adam and I like the end result. He likes wolves, and can identify with them. I think wolves are beautiful and misunderstood creatures. So many cross stitch patterns are very feminine with lots of flowery accents. I don't plan on putting something I've spent hours creating into a box. It's getting put up, so I might as well make something that both Adam and I will enjoy looking at.

Emotional Capacity

Many people never even hear this term. I can't seem to go for more than a week without hearing it or thinking of it. Emotional capacity is the ability to differenciate between levels of feelings. Some people will never be able to tell the difference between an infatuation and the love of their life. Time after time, test after test. I am told I have an exteremly high emotional capacity. Apparently I can feel and put a name to more emotions than some people will realize they feel in their entire lifetime.

I consider my compassion a blessing. I love others and ask for nothing in return. They can accept that love or not. They can appriciate that love or not. I give it all the same. If there is one thing that I can hold to in my relationship with God, it is absolute love. Love is a gift. You can only give it freely. You can't put a price on it. I love all of my friends. No matter how mad I get; no matter how betrayed I feel. I can't stop. In a sick twisted way, I continue to love Noah. I love him in a compassionate way, and hope he gets help.

There is a difference in my emotions between loving someone and being 'in love' with someone. I have to make this distinction because I don't know if some people realize that I know the difference. As I've said, I love all my friends. I am in love with Adam.

Now, it isn't every day that you fall in love. I am lucky to have someone who gives so freely of himself to me, both of his time and of himself. He lets me borrow his car so that I can go to college. In letting me borrow it, he risks being late to work every day. He encourages and supports me in everything I do. He offers advice rarely because he understand my need to be an individual within our relationship. He does not have as high an emotional capacity as I do, but he still is very aware of what he feels. Naturally, he is a very stoic person. In a way, he balances my utter exhuberence for life with his laid back maturity.

Insomnia

I just have to say, last night blew! I had a headache that turned into a migraine. I got offline at about 12:15 to get some sleep. Only I never got any. At 2:45 I finally broke down and took prescription pain killers for the migraine. I hate having to use them because it means that sometime down the road I may not have them, but I was light and sound sensitive and couldn't sleep. The pain killers knocked out the headache, but they contain about 25 mg of caffine each. So I have now been awake since 7 p.m. last night.

I feel fine and pretty well rested, however I don't think that feeling will last. I have ALOT of running around I'm going to have to do today, so I know I'll end up feeling drained.

Right now, I'm killing time over at Dreamcatchers' roleplaying. Devilcat and Eleanor are supposed to be working things out in the thread I'm in. I'm kinda ticked because Devilcat doesn't appear to be ready to work their friendship out. Eleanor is just waiting on him to be ready to be friends. Arg. I'm so tired of this BS.

Time Stamps

I'm an idiot. I FINALLY set the timestamp on my blog to match my time zone. Now all my posts show as being made 2 hours after they were actually made because I always just manually changed the time. I could beat myself with a stick right now.

Pain

I again have a sinus headache. I've taken just about everything I can think of to aleviate the pain. I am near sweating from the intensity alone. If there is one thing I know I can endure, it is physcial pain. I have suffered worse than this. It will pass. That does not make it any better though. It is still leaving me nauseated and drained of my strength. Naps often make me more tired in the long run. I cannot decide whether to blame my utter fatigue on the nap I woke up from an hour and a half ago or the headache I have been suffering from since about 11:30.

Random Thoughts from Mery

Well I'm basically useless. Last night, instead of doing all the things I said I was going to do, I did a load of laundry and roleplayed most of the night away at Dreamcatcher's with Dan, Brian, and Mike. I had a blast! However, I was slightly late leaving the apartment this morning because I had to load up my backpack and all that junk before I left.

Lee invited me to go out to a pizza party thing with him at his new dorm last night at 10, but when it came time for me to make a decision on going, I couldn't. I was washing all of my bras but one. And the one that was clean is one that I refuse to wear in public because it makes my breasts look even bigger. Why on EARTH would they make a bra in my size that would enhance bust size? It's just.... not right. But I ended up having to wear it out anyway because I forgot that I needed to pick up Adam from work for his lunch break. I swear, sometimes I wonder where I leave my brain.

I have another 45 minutes before I can go to my English class. I am hungry and can smell the italian food from down stairs. I am seriously contemplating going down and writing a check for some since I have no cash. I rarely carry cash. Mainly because I know I'd spend it if I had it, and then I'd be uber poor.

Personal note: When in school, take all medications before you leave the apartment, rather than waiting until you get home.

This morning I thought to myself that it would be okay if I waited until I got home at 3:30 to take all my meds. Now I have a sinus headache. Yay for my ignorance. Not! I would maim for some Allegra right now. Maybe food will help. Mmmmm. Lasagna here I come!

Last Night of Freedom

Well, tonight is indeed my last night of freedome before school starts back up. Tomorrow I will go to my Public Speaking and English Comp 2 classes. Public Speaking is required for my transfer degree, as is ENG 102. My one elective class is on Tuesday/Thursdays; it is Introduction to Criminal Justice. On my last night of freedom I get to do laundry, wash dishes, pick up the apartment, pick up my boyfriend at work, load up my backpack, and work on my lil dorm-warming gift for Lee.

My last couple of days have been very relaxing and absolutely wonderful. Yesterday I went and checked out Lee's dorm. It's a closet, but it's Lee's closet. Then after having a wonderful lunch with Adam, and seeing him off to work, Lee and I went out to his mom's house in Moundville and ended up having pizza for dinner. I love pepperoni pizza, by the way. Then Lee went with me to go get groceries before he and I sat and talked for a bit. All in all a pretty great day. Followed by getting to talk to Mike for a good bit while he sent me the soundtrack to 'The Last Samurai'. I haven't listened to anything else since I got it. Sigh. I'll give my thoughts on Mike later. It's about time for me to go pick up Adam from work.

Hair Care

Why do I bother trying to explain the finer points of hair care to my boyfriend? I mean, it's not like this is vital information that he will file away under 'Things I Need To Remember About Meredith'. Hell, I don't know if he'll even remember this tomorrow! But since he asked not long before he left, I feel like talking about it since it's still on my mind. Feel free to tune out while I talk. Adam sure does.

I now have short (for me) strawberry blonde hair, which is more strawberry than blonde. It just barely brushes my shoulders when I leave it down. I wash my hair with a professional grade shampoo and conditioner forumlated for colored hair. I brush it out while it's still somewhat damp and spray it with flexible hold hair spray. I will usually wear it down right after I've washed it, but will put it up if several hours have passed. I just like having my hair out of my face. Now, all this hair care takes me about 25 mins. My boyfriend acts like I spend ages in the bathroom, when in all reality many girls spend loads more time "styling" their hair than I do. And now I'm just complaining, so I'll take this opportunity to shut up.

Babbling About Family

Keep striving and turn a deaf ear
You fear their laughter may ring true
You know you can't live up to the expectations
Of the people who don't really know you

They tell you to shoot for the moon
But do you listen or do you wait?
Like a springtime flower about to bloom
Finding transition seems your fate

My Grandparents don't like the fact that I am thinking of changing my major. They think it is a mistake to go into teaching. They were both teachers for well over thirty years each. My Grandmother taught English and Grandpa taught Drafting and Engineering. In fact, my dad was in Grandpa's Drafting class and came over to Grandpa's house to talk to him, and that's how my parents met. My mom was 14 at the time. They got married the day after my mom turned 18 and have now been married for 29 years. But I'm going off on a tangent.

My Mother's parents have read that most of the jobs in the coming decade will be technical based jobs, like nursing. I can't disagree with this. I know that as a nurse there would be a high demand for my work. However, I am not as concerned with my job security as I am with leading a life that I am content with. I know I would be a good nurse. I know I would like the salary that a nurse gets (partially because it is over three times what a teacher makes). I won't like the hours a nurse keeps. Two of my aunts are nurses. I know the kind of hours they have to keep. I don't want television and a babysitter raising my children.

Okay, I realize that I don't have kids yet, but I want them eventually. I'd love to have 4 or 5. I will, however, settle for 2 or 3. Now, at 20, I know that probably sounds odd. I am nowhere near mature enough to care for another human being. I'm still working on being mature enough to take care of myself. But in planning for my future career and the family I hope to have, this is something I need to consider. I can remember when I was a child and my mother worked. I felt abandoned. I felt like she wasn't there for me. I felt so lost. I want to be there for my children. I don't blame my mother. She felt she needed to go back to work, and as an adult I can understand he decision. As with many children, I want to avoid the mistakes I feel my parents made. No one is perfect, but I want to try my hardest so that when my kids grow up and have family of their own they can look for positive examples instead of faults.

Problem

I have a serious problem. I just found out that I was put under suicide watch without my knowledge my freshman year of high school. Apparently it was a joint thing with my councilor and my assistant principal. They can't tell me what's in my file because it's sealed now. This ticks me off to no end!

I know that it has no bearing on my future work or anything like that. I just don't like the idea of people not letting me know when something is wrong. I've spent too many years talking to psychaitrists and family therapists. All of it was for nothing. It was a problem that I was unable to solve myself. I needed help. I only wish I had gotten it sooner. If they had told even my parents about this, my parents might have pressured me into telling them what was actually happening. I mean, I've only recently told my mother about the sexual abuse I endured. It was hard, knowing that she didn't know what was wrong for all those years. Some of my actions seem a little more understandable now to her.

Cleaning

I have a love hate relationship with cleaning. I hate doing it. I hate needing to do it. After I clean on my apartment or do laundry, I feel wonderful and useful. I feel a satisfaction at getting my apartment looking nicer. I could beat myself over the head for having such warm fuzzies for cleaning. I'll probably go and do that later tonight.

Major Decisions

After about six months of toying with the idea, I'm finally changing my major. Long hours of arguing with myself has brought me to the conclusion that I picked Nursing as a major because I knew I'd be good at it. I am a very caring person who can put people in good spirits. I know that there is a nursing shortage in the United States, so I would definitely have a job when I got out of school. However, there is more to life than doing something I'm "good at". I need a job where I feel needed and fufilled. I will only become depressed working in a job where I am unhappy. I refuse to spend my life like that.

I am changing my major to Elementary Education. I will get all the transfer credits possible at Shelton State (where I'm going now), and then I will transfer to the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa to get my 4 year degree. I will wait to see where Adam and I live as to where I'll get my Masters (most likely in Education). I adore children and love working with them and teaching them. I thought about offering to teach Sunday School at the church I attended until recently. I know that my parents and Adam don't have the money to see my entire degree through, but I know that I'll make it somehow. I will be eligable for all kinds of scholarships based on my learning disorders alone. If those won't cover the astronomical costs of my education, I can always get student loans. However I have to accomplish it, I will become an elementary school teacher.

My Date

I just got back from a date with Adam. Yes, I still date my boyfriend. I know it's an odd concept for some of you, but Adam and I try to do at least one "outing" thing a week. Today we went to 'Alien Versus Predetor'. It was decent. I won't say any more or less, mainly because I've only seen one movie out of each franchise. Then Adam and I went Transformers hunting. We didn't find anything new, which was expected, but we did get to talk alot about the idea of me getting a job. Adam still doesn't like the idea and wants me to focus on my school work and getting my head straight. However, I think that the added responsibility of a job would force me to take responsibility for my life. Just having to show up for classes hasn't helped me that much over the last year. I also wouldn't mind getting to buy new clothes. I'm such a sucker for clothing. After our toy hunting, we checked out a new gaming store that's opened in town. It isn't much since the guy just opened, but it had alot of awesome RPG books and an eclectic assortment of board games. Yet another place for me to spend my income if I convince Adam I should get a job. We had dinner at O'Charley's. It's a pub that usually has decent atmosphere and food. Tonight it had blah food but really good atmosphere, so I guess it evens out in the end.

I decided I'm not dealing with any of my problems today. I'm ignoring them all and working on them tomorrow or the next day. I just need a little "Meredith Time" to stop feeling so stressed and bellydance or read or something that won't let me be stressed enough to pull out my hair or rip dish towels to shreds. Which reminds me, I need to make a trip to Dollar Tree to buy more dish towels.

Crazy

"No, I'm not PMSing. I'm always like this." As I physically sat on the edge of the couch glaring at my boyfriend, I mentally sat back into the fluffy cushions and burst into tears. What is it about the estrogen hormone that turns me into a raving lunatic? I know this isn't me. I know I'm more rational than this. Yet somehow, I have gone insane without anyone noticing. I can only pray I will return to normal next week. Until then I will have to brave the mountains and valleys of being clinically certafiable.

Jonathan

Wow. I don't think I could fuck up my personal relationships with people any more if I tried!

I feel like a total witch for hurting Jon. I was mad. Very mad. He meant it as a joke, and I took it wrong. Hell, even my boyfriend thought I over reacted slightly. Though I still have my issues with Jon, I know he and I will be okay as friends in the end. We'll work through this, we always do.

Today

Bellydancing is mind numbingly wonderful. I easily lose myself in the repetitive motions and graceful movements. The beats of the songs translate into a physical music as I move my body in time. I cannot imagine how people can live life without exercising. Without exercise I become so stressed and depressed that I almost can't function.

When I took a shower after I bellydanced, I had forgotten that the load of dishes I had done would use up the last of the hot water. I had to take an ice cold shower. In a way, it was nice for the freezing water to wash away the sweat I had worked up.

Today has been quite stressful. I told Adam about the fact that Jon has been sexually harassing me. Mike and Brian are both pissed at Jon because he chooses not to live in our reality and won't listen to anyone. My character at Dreamcatchers is reeling from a huge falling through with a romantically linked character. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. I don't know what to deal with first. It reminds me of freshman year, about a month after I broke up with Noah.

I was cast in the Klein production of 'The Sound of Music'. We were in the midst of a very rigorous rehearsing schedule. I was finally starting to come to terms with the sexual, emotional, and physical abuse I had survived. Noah had finally stopped stalking me at that point. It was at this time I was beginning to reveal to my friends the scar marks on my wrists and the true nature of my relationship with Noah. It was a draining time in my life.

I feel that same drain now. However, I blame it all on Jon. If he would accept responsibility for his actions and deal with his problems, then I wouldn't have all this drama in my life right now. I could take this one week of vacation time before fall term starts and relax. Damn I need to read a good book right now.

Dearest Daniel

Dearest Daniel
Why do you hide away
Keeping secret from the world
The endearing things you say

Dan is a friend of mine whom I have a unique relationship with. He is one of the few friends on the internet who have been able to gain Adam's trust and respect. He is intelligent and witty. He makes me laugh. Most of all, he likes me for who I am, and doesn't ask me to change. If not for Adam I would normally say that he is alot of the things I look for in a male. Don't get me wrong, I adore Daniel. I consider him a dear friend. However, I get the impression he doesn't completely trust me. Sometimes I feel as if I am only a passing fancy for him, a female friend who peaks his interest as an equal, but doesn't quite meet his standards as a "woman". It is a discomforting feeling to say the least. I do not know whether to continue to ignore the feeling and disreguard it as childish, or to let it continue to pry at my mind.

Bach

Take a deep breath and listen for the violins as if carried on the wind's gentle breeze. My troubles seem to ebb and flow away when I listen to Bach. I have had a rough day. Several of my friends have offered to listen if I wish to talk. Check that. Basically every friend I have has offered support in one way or another. That alone makes me feel special. I love my friends dearly, and they all mean alot to me. However, I am not in a place where I feel comfortable talking about the feelings I am still feeling. I am more than happy to listen to the deep sorrowful sound of the cello as Bach's music casts it's calming spell on me.

Sleep

I can only attribute my utter confustion to my messed up sleep schedule and stress. I am still very confused. I feel less stressed right now, which is wonderful. However, my brain still feels like I'm walking around in a fog. Brian and I talked this morning. It was a conversation that I didn't expect to ever happen. Yet, somehow, it leaves me even more confused now than ever about him. I am so used to dealing with 2 dimensional people. I don't hold it against them; they can't help it. Adam is one of the very few 3 dimensional people I have ever met. However, having known him intimately for five years, I am never surprised when we talk on that level. I have stumbled onto another 3 dimensional person in the most surprising of places. Brian strikes me as a 3 dimensional person, but somehow, I feel like he tries to hide or deny it. I can only hope that in the future I will get to know that side of Brian better. He is a deep complex person.

Overload

I am so fucking pissed right now. I don't handle large groups of people I'm having "issues" with very well. Emotional stress hits me twice as hard as the other kinds. Always has, always will. I am pissed at Jon for making jump through hoops, hoping that he'll forgive me for breaking his heart. Fuck you Jon. I'm not letting you manipulate me anymore. I don't understand Brian. Most of the time I think he and I get along fine. Until, BAM, I say something apparently sets him off. I try not to take it personally. I really do. He seems to be the type that talks very little to most people, unless they are very close to him. I know I'm not. I just wish for one day I fucking understood him. Shit, it's like dealing with a 21 year old Rafeford. I am avoiding one of my friends on AIM, who will remain nameless. AND the ONE fucking person who could probably make me laugh right now.... is now where to be found.

I fucking hate Sundays. This happens every fucking weekend. Sundays are now permenantly on my shit list!

Groceries

Have I mentioned how much I truely hate grocery shopping? I really truely hate it. Wal-mart is evil, and will, one day soon, dominate the world. Wal-mart is a sign of the end times, I swear to it!

Of course, Wal-mart was packed because not only was it a Sunday, but school is only a week away so all the students are moving back into the dorms. Six people ran into my ankles and a little kid kicked me. I hate grocery shopping. I really wish that I didn't have to eat til next week, or better yet, September. I also forgot to buy Coke in my hurry to leave that wretched place. So I'll have to go to Winn Dixie later and buy some. The lines were long because apparently they can only open five registers at a time for some unknown reason. And of course the woman in front of me in line was going to argue with the cashier about the prices on every other item. I despise grocery shopping.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Considering I only had three hours of sleep this morning, from around 3 til 6, you would think that I would be tired or feeling the effects of sleep depravation. Nope! I am wide awake and feeling pretty chipper actually. I'm on AOL Instant Messenger talking to Mike and Jon. Okay, well I'm talking to Mike. Jon is pretending he's not ignoring me. Which is okay, because it means he's talking to me again.

Last night, on Adam's way home from work for his lunch break, the Probe's alternator belt broke. He was able to get the rest of the way home, but he can't take the car anywhere else. So right now, he is walking to the Advance Auto Parts in Alberta City to buy a new belt. He would take my truck, but seeing as it's still a half ton paper weight, it's pretty useless right now. I would have gone with him, but I walk slow and still have a bit of a headache. So, rather than force him to listen to me whine and complain about it being hot and my head hurting, I opted to stay at home. Adam is such a good boyfriend. He treats me with respect, which is something alot of guys don't do. Must be the overtly large breasts. I'd gladly trade them away because of all the back and boy problems they cause. Okay, that's a lie. I like the way I look. However, I don't like having a bad back.

Well, I really should get to cleaning on the apartment and getting ready for the day. As much as I would love to stay in my pajamas, I need to go and buy groceries today.

A Pox On Headaches

I hate headaches with a mind numbing passion. I have yet another one right now. I'm half tempted to just lay down and take another nap, but I'm sure Adam would have a fit if I did that. I'm a bitch to deal with when I first wake up. So, I can kind of see his point. However, that doesn't cure me of my headache.

I got mail today! I love getting mail. Okay, well this mail was pretty crappy, because it was medications from my health insurance carrier. My parents get a discount on meds when they buy direct. But it was still mail! I know, I know. I get excited about the stupidest things. However, I'm allowed to because my head hurts and I'm tired, and I'm going to stop writing now.

Side Effects

I don't know about most people, but I have rarely been bothered by the side effects of medicine. Until recently that is. The new medication I've been on for a little over a month has hit me with tons of side effects. A few of them, the least pleasant at least, have worn off. There was a while where I only wanted to eat about once a day and when I did eat, it was very little. I'm up to eating two full meals and one snack a day. I spare you the details of the other unpleasant side effect, but needless to say, I am very happy that has passed.

Now for the side effects that I still feel. One side effect that I don't really appriciate is that I get vaguely naseated at random times during the day. I've never had that strong of a stomach, but feeling like I might need to pray to the porcelain god for a bit sucks. Another side effect that I've been dealing with is that I sleep lightly now. I wake up several times during the night, causing me to remember several of my dreams from that night very vividly. Last night I had a very real feeling dream about going to the doctor and having blood work done. I woke up this morning and checked my arm to see if I still had the tract mark, only to realize it was a dream. Also, if I am more than a couple of hours late taking my medications, I get very sleepy after I finally take them. I am yawning right now in fact. (Yes, I was bad and took my meds a couple of hours late.)

However, thought none of these are appealing side effects, I cannot fathom going off of my medication. I have Never felt so strongly about needing to be on a medication for an extended period of time. Six years is a long time to fight off depression and self worth problems. I think that after I managed this long with only minor physical scars, I deserved a little help. This medication is a heaven send in my opinion. Those close to me have noticed only slight differences. I, however, have seen major changes. I lived a lie for far too long. Pretending to be happy when I was anything but. This medication doesn't make me "happy", but it allows me to not feel as if there is hope. Hope was something I had missed.

Boys

Sometimes I can only wonder at the inner workings of the male mind. I often feel like I don't understand my boyfriend, even though I know that I am the closest person to him emotionally. I know he loves me. I know he respects me. Sometimes I don't think he likes me though. I can be silly, childish, and girly. He is rarely childish and never girly. However, we never seem to be silly at the same time. I pick times that he thinks are "innapropriate". Right now, he's getting ready for work. Sometimes I would think this was the perfect time to be silly. I know he doesn't really care for his job or the people he works with and a smile before eight hours of unloading trucks would do him good. But here I go again, being silly when he doens't think I should. Oh well, I guess all I can do right now is sigh and hope that when he comes home for lunch at 11 tonight he'll be in a better mood.

Tired...

Well first I should say, last night I didn't sleep worth shit. I had a migraine for the better part of yesterday (well now, two days ago, but still.) I was decidedly pissed because that was one of Adam's two days off. Also, I watched 'Alien' for the first time. It left me feeling a tad bit freaked out. I scare pretty easily, and jumped several times through-out the movie. That coupled with my migraine left me tossing and turning the entire night through. I find it very hard to sleep when my eyeball feels like it's burning and every bone in the right side of my head is throbbing with a seering pain that I am glad I now barely remember. One of the nice things about the body forgetting pain easily. I finally dragged my butt out of bed at 9:30 this morning and took more meds. It was the first decent sleep I got. Too bad it only lasted til noon.

I got my hair cut today! First time I've had it cut in a year. Adam says that it's very "me" and it's "cute." I like it, but it feels very short to me. In a way, I am still very used to having waist length hair. I kind of miss it. Okay, so I don't miss the fact that it took 8 hours to fully dry, but I do miss the fact that long hair is very feminine and looked good on me. However, this takes an hour to dry and looks "cute", so I think I'll manage.

Adam just called. He's on his way home from work. I think this is the first night he's gotten off work on time in over a week. Wal-mart keeps making him work overtime in the beginning of the week and then tells him to take off extra time at the end of the week to make up for it so that they end up not paying him time and a half. This tactic pisses me off to no end. If he has to stay at work for twelve hours straight, unloading trucks and pulling freight (you didn't think he got all those muscles from stocking did you?), he should at least get paid for the effort!

Well, I'm just barely making coherent thoughts transform into fully formed sentences, more ramblings later today.

Midnight Musing

Why is it that I am drawn to write during the "witching hour"? Is it the fact that it lends itself to my melancholoy moods? Or maybe that I have always been more of a night person. What ever it is, I am drawn to write. I just finished a poem that leaves chills flowing down my spine.

I lose myself now and again
To the pain that fills my soul
Lost on the river of hatred and doubt
Adrift without destination or goal

I’ve cried all the tears that I’ve got
And now I feel nothing but numb
Lost to a world I once loved
To the darkness I’ve finally succumb

Blessed reprieve I beg for
From inconceivable pain
For my last villain to perish
For my last dragon to be slain

My knight in shining white armor
Rescue me when the need doth arise
Gallop to me on purest white steed
Because it is myself I despise

The thing that strikes me most about the poem is the fact that I no longer feel like this. Though there are times when I feel the deep set driftings of emotion, I don't feel lost to a world I can't live in. I don't feel alienated from my own life anymore, and I am still adjusting to the idea that I can be a functioning member of society.

I am in a weird mood tonight. I feel melancholoy and joyous at the same time. Like I could cry or laugh in the next second and feel either associated emotion fully. I am left feeling uncertain, though I am unsure about what it is I am uncertain about. I can only guess as to the answer.

First Post

So here I am. Posting in a blog because I don't feel like I can really do this anywhere else. It's a very easy way for me to vent all my frustrations and such. Feel free to comment, or don't. I don't really care. This is more for me than any of you.